


After Summer Kiss

by Penevin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Background ships up til now [YmirxChrista], Comedy, First Times, Highschool AU, M/M, Romance, Smut, World Building and Slow build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29290506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penevin/pseuds/Penevin
Summary: During summer break, after sharing his first kiss with a guy on Erens dirty bathroom floor, Bertholdt realised something that he should've known all along - he is gay. Gay and with a big, fat crush on his childhood friend and next door neighbour Reiner Braun. During their last High School year, Bertholdt decides to take things into his own hands for the first time in his life - and with that begins probably the most confusing and happiest time in his life. If it weren't for all the other things in his life that are making things more complicated than they are...
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 49
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to whoever stumbled upon this little fanfic project of mine!!  
> Before you head into the story I just wanted to drop some words before! 
> 
> First of all, this is a really slow building fic so it will take a while before things start to get moving!  
> (not too long thought). I have every single chapter description written out so I just have to work on the chapters themselves (With chapter 2 already in the making).  
> My personal goal would be at least one update a week! After all I love a little challenge myselfe haha! 
> 
> This work will probably have around 26 chapters - at least thats what I have planned out. If anything changes in the making during it, Ill let ya know! 
> 
> The main Ship in this fanfiction will be of course Reibert - there are many other side ships that I didnt wanted to mention in the tags because I usually dont like it myself when I dig for my OTP and only find them in the last paragraph of a fic somewhere on chapter 5 *sob*  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy it and wish you all fun! Cheers to a wonderful time! 
> 
> PS: I have no fucking clue about American Highschools and America in general - all I write here comes from research. I really hope it doesnt stick out to much that I dont have a clue since I tried my best to still be as descriptive as possible. 
> 
> ALSO A big fucking thanks to my beta reader Jeskah, who is a dear off side friend of mine. She helps me immensly with this fic be it proof reading it, getting my motivation up or helping me with ideas!

**Bertholdts POV**

“Do you have everything you need, Paps? Medications? Snacks? Your phone in case something happens?” Nervous, slender fingers searched their way through the nightstand beside the wooden single bed in his fathers bedroom and after finding what they were looking for, he held a small pill bottle up into his fathers vision field and shook it with a crackling sound. “What about those? Already took them?”  
The 41 year old man just grunted in reply, not daring to move his already tired body too much. Shaky hands rested on top of the blanket that covered the man's frail body and for a second, his son was more than thankful for not having to see what's underneath it. The short, black hair that looked like it was glued to his forehead due to the sweat covering his whole body - even though the terrible August heat was the culprit for that - still didn't add to the overall appeal that was vibrating off of his father.

Never. Never would he get used to the sight in front of him. Seeing his father as powerless and sick as he looked right now made the 16 year old feel all kinds of things - none of them good in any way. He just felt helpless and scared watching his father slowly decay in front of him, day by day, night by night. And there wasn’t a single fuck Bertholdt could do against it.

He hated how scared he felt, always ready to break down and cry whenever his fathers health got worse all of a sudden again. Hated how he has to watch the man who once carried him on his shoulders with pride break down in front of him whenever his legs gave in under the shallow weight. Hated how every time he had another one of his phases, it took him longer and longer to get back up again - his son always worried that this would be the last time he had to catch his father. That he wouldn't get up anymore after this.  
He hated this situation.  
He hated how it made him feel.  
Hated himself for how much he wished for this to be finally over - no matter which path down the road lies ahead.

The man he called his father, once beaming with joy and life, now crumbled in under himself, lingering under the thick bed sheets. Thick, black shadows navigated around his eyes - eyes which looked fallen in and lifeless.  
His father nodded again, stronger this time.  
And despite all, his father tried so hard. Tried so hard to play it off strong, to not show any more weakness than necessary in front of his son. Always trying to be strong in front of him, knowing that it destroyed Bertholdt inside seeing him like this. But no matter how hard he tried to be strong for the both of them - he always failed.  
Bertholdt can see right through it though. Every damn time. 

“Just go boy, I'll be fine.” For a short moment it looked like he wanted to add something but nothing ever came. Bertholdt just nodded, feeling the sweat in his palms increasing as he got up and towered over his fathers frame.God, when did he get so tall again? Wasn't he just looking up to this man a while ago?  
He felt so, so uncomfortable.

“Alright. If there's nothing else you need, I'll be on my way. Won't be gone long. And if you need anything, just call me Paps.”  
There was just a silent sigh coming from his father as the old man buried the back of his head into the pillow beneath him again.  
“Alright.I am just gonna take a nap anyway. Feeling pretty tired right now.” Bertholdts gaze lingered on his father until he felt like his eyes were burning up at the sight. He blinked a few times, holding it in for now - this isn't the place nor moment to break down. And it never would be again. Not when his father had so many other worries to begin with. Not when he was supposed to be the strong one right now.

There was a weak smile on the face of his father, but a smile regardless.  
“Get the stick out of your ass boy, I am fine. Just greet Reiner from me ok? And tell him to come over again once. Havent seen his stupid face for a while now.”  
Rolling his eyes, Bertholdt couldn't help but smile. Reiner never failed to make a good impression on literally everyone and his father had always been very fond of his live long childhood friend.  
“Alright, if you say so Paps. Bye then.” Gettin down, he pressed a quick kiss on his fathers cheek and lingered there for a small second. He considered wrapping his arms around the man and pulling him into a hug but the worry of hurting him doing so was too strong. When he pulled away, his fathers eyes were closed and he was smiling. He really looked tired, Bertholdt realised.  
So to not bother him any further he slipped out of his fathers bedroom and into the hallway. Grabbing the keys on his way to the door, he picked up the small backpack he had prepared before he had entered his fathers room. With one last look at the now closed door he shouldered the bag and made his way to the door, checking once more if his phone wasn't on mute.

It was tuesday afternoon and not even a week was left till the new school year would open its doors for them.  
Only a year left before they would depart for College - not that Bertholdt thought this was an option at the time. Not only couldn’t they afford it money wise but leaving his father alone wasn't an option he was very fond of either. They didn't have the finances nor the dignity to hire a full time nurse anyway. It sucked and Bertholdt really wanted to go and get that College degree in his hands one day - but for now there were other worries, other priorities. He was sure that he would just get a job at the nearby store or factory or something for the time being. But, for now there was still a year that was separating him from this decision. So he did what he did best after all - pushing the thought into the back of his mind.

The silent ding of his phone was like a savior in shining armor for Bertholdts thoughts, searching eagerly for distraction. With one swift move he fished it out of his pocket and scanned the display, smiling as he realised it was a message from Reiner. 

_ >>U fallen asleep or some shit? where tf u at?_

Reiner, the little fucker.  
Bertholdt wasnt sure how but he always, ALWAYS managed to tickle that stupid smile on his face somehow. The two boys had been childhood friends for years now, meeting in Kindergarten and having been best buds ever since. The fact that they always had lived within close walking distance was a blessing on top and really helped their friendship blossom over the years.  
He and Reiner had always been friends. Always.  
It was this unwritten rule that everyone seemed to understand after getting to know them better - you just couldn't separate them. Every partner project, every school event, every group work they had to master, it didn't matter.  
They were a duo. A double pack. An inseparable phenomenon.  
He silently recalled the last weeks of summer break with a smile. He always loved hanging out with Reiner but due to his fathers illness it wasn't always possible. But the blond always made sure that they spent their quality time with each other - even if he had to lazily sit inside Bertholdts house, missing even the hottest and sunniest days of their ´summer break.  
Bertholdt ensured he was free to enjoy himself with their other friends and Reiner always laughed at him and reassured him that he was having fun. Not that it was a lie though.  
They could be watching the grass for hours and still find it hilarious when being with each other.  
Another smile and he finally replied with quick fingers, sliding his phone back into his pockets afterwards.

_ >> On my way. Took a bit longer, sorry._

It was late August and the heat of summer and low humidity was still thicc in the air. He could feel how his black bangs began to stick to his forehead and he shortly wiped the sweat in his face away with a move of his arm. He was always a sweaty mess to begin with since his teenage hormones kicked in, but summer always made it ten times worse.  
He thanked every god there was for the slight breeze that was following seconds after. Thank god his sweat doesn't smell - he would be broke due to all the deodorant it would consume.

“Seeing your loverboy?”  
Almost having a heart attack he jumped back at the surprising voice coming from behind his neighbours fence. Gets him every damn time.  
Annie was leaning over the well painted white planks and looked at Bertholdt with her every present carrying expression. Though there was a tiny little smile on her face.  
“Annie…”, he sighed and looked down at her, already feeling his nerves creep up his spine. “D-Don't do that!! I already told you so many times...”  
Stumbling back into place he stood there for a second, waiting for something to happen or to be said. He never was one to instigate conversation on his own and it bothered him to no end. Not like that he didn't care, he really wanted to be more engaging! But it was just so damn harder than all those socializing books he read made it out to be.  
Letting the remark about his loverboy slide, he just looked down at his feet silently. He was used to Annies endless teasing about his - in her words - super fucking obvious crush on Reiner and no matter how much he scolded her for talking like it, she never changed. It was just how she was - and Bertholdt was thankful to be able to call her a closer friend of his.  
“Gets funnier every damn time, I swear.” The way in which her disinterested voice delivered the line, made Bertholdt chuckle nervously. Sometimes he was relieved that she wasn't in the same class as him.  
“Well, funny for you at least…”  
She just rolled her eyes and pushed herself away from the fence in the end. With a quick glance he realised she must've been doing garden work. Her tiny hands were covered with big, dirty gloves and there were two visible dirt patches on her knees. The ponytail she probably made a while ago was already hanging half loose, the hair tie barely holding it together anymore.  
He was sure - if he wouldn't be gay, he probably wouldve fallen for this girl. She was beautiful. 

“Well anyway, tell Reiner I said hi. And while you're at it, how much you want to suck hi-”  
“Annie!” A bright, vibrating blush raised to his cheeks as he clenched his eyes together, hoping to not hear the unspoken words that rang in his mind. There was a silent shrug of shoulders and with a swift rotation she turned away and left him there standing alone, silently suffering in his own embarrassed thoughts.  
He should've never entrusted her his little secret. 

It wasn't like it was a big secret - or at least not to him.  
And, considering what Annie said a few months ago, to everyone with two fucking eyes in there head.  
He had a crush.  
A big, fat fucking crush on his childhood friend for god knows how long.  
Hell, he didnt even realise he was gay until a few weeks ago but as soon as the realisation hit him, it had been obvious. So painfully fucking obvious.  
He remembered how Marcos' lips moved clumsily against his own. remembered how he had pressed his eyes together way too hard and how he had imagined that it was Reiner kissing him. The imagination in his mind was so sudden, so shocking and in a way predictable that he had silently gasped for air and drew back in defeat. Marco looked at him with worry, asked if he had done something wrong, but Bertholdt could just shake his head at the question and tell him that it was fine. They didn't kiss again after this but Bertholdt felt like he had been enlightened. 

He wanted to tell him. He really really wanted to tell him. And Bertholdt was sure that the day would eventually arrive where he would confess his feelings for Reiner. In the back of his mind, he somehow knew that Reiner felt the same. Maybe. Somehow...  
There were still some thoughts he had to gather, some courage he had to muster up. But he would tell him. Eventually.  
It wasn't the fact that he was afraid of Reiners reaction. He kind of had a suspicion that the blonde had a similar feeling but he wasn't entirely sure how much of it was wishing and how much was based on his real observation. Yet still, he knew - even if Reiner wouldn't be interested in a romantic way in him, the blond would never push him away. They have been friends as long as Bertholdt could think and they ALWAYS managed to overcome every hurdle together. That's what they did after all. It was their thing.  
For Bertholdt this friendship was much more than a friendship to begin with. He felt like there was no one in school as close to each other as the two young men were.  
Getting to know each other in Kindergarten, they always had lived almost across each other - walking distance 10 minutes maximum. They were there for each other to play as kids, they were excited together on their first day of school. Bertholdt helped Reiner out with subjects like math and science once they got older and Reiner showed Bertholdt some everyday tricks and tips that would get him through life. Reiner was there for him when his mother died, years ago and Bertholdt was there for him whenever Reiner was venting or crying because of his piece of shit father, who left him when he was just a toddler. Reiner had been there when his father fell ill and even after not being able to spend as much time anymore as they used to they made it work somehow. The blond never left him behind and Bertholdt could not express with words how grateful he was for his friend. He wasn't sure what he did to deserve this man by his side and he wouldn't dare to let a rejection from Reiner himself change that. He wouldn't complain. They always had each other's back, no matter what. 

Yes, he will tell him eventually.  
Not today. But he sure as hell will.  
He was sure that no matter the outcome, they would get through this.  
He picked up his pace, a small smile on his lips at the thought. After all, he was almost there. 

-

“Bertholdt the fuck? Took you long enough man.” He almost fell into the Brauns home as Reiner slapped his meaty hand on his back as a welcome gesture. A big, fat smile covered the blonde's face and quickly he closed the door behind them, Reiner already marching into the living room.  
There it was. That fucking grin on his face that could melt even the grumpiest mood of him away. Reiner was just breathtaking in every human way possible - and it made Bertholdts heart nearly jump out of its place as he sent a small smile back to his friend. 

“Sorry, my father hasn't been doing so well l-lately. Took a bit longer than usual.” He sounded silent and weak, but still tried to send the blond a half hearted smile. Reiners head turned around in worry, one of his thin, long eyebrows raised in suspicion.  
“Shit dude, everything alright?” Bertholdt nodded quickly.  
“Yeah, I-I guess. You know how it is.” Reiner nodded knowingly and placed his hand on the tall boy's shoulder for a moment.  
“Sorry Bertl. B-But it's alright. Your dad always kicks back twice as hard, huh?” Bertholdt heard the silent plea in Reiners tone and nodded again.  
Even though they both knew it was a lie, he didn't want to ruin the moment he stepped into the door. Worrying wouldn't change a damn thing anyway.  
“Mhm. I guess so.” 

Both of them not wanting to kill the mood before he even really got there, they moved through the living room and into the open kitchen. Karina, Reiners mother, was sitting on one of the bar stools beside the kitchen counter and rubbed her forehead in what seemed like desperation in Bertholdts eyes. She was a middle aged, short woman with shoulder long blond hair. There was a sigh but as soon as she spotted him she sent a smile his way.  
“Bertholdt, hello! I didn't know you were coming over today.” There was a silent glare at her son and Reiner ducked under the gaze but sending her an apologetic grin regardless. He could feel himself smile as well at the scene. “How is your father doing?” 

“Ah- A-Alright for now. He is taking a nap anyway.” Of course there was more to it but he really didn't want to bother Reiner's mother with stories like this. He knew that she cared for him due to being this close with her son but she also saw that it made him uncomfortable from time to time. He just wasn't used to being close to people that werent Reiner, even if it meant being the blond's own family.  
He also always realises how much he misses his own mother during times like those. 

She nodded and understandment crossed her face as she looked back at the papers in front of her. Bertholdt wasn't sure what she was working and it was none his business to begin with.  
“Well, tell him I said hello then. I hope he recovers soon.”  
“T-Thank you K-Karina! Of course!”  
He felt himself cringe after calling her by her first name but she insisted that he did whenever he came over. She had made that point many times and no matter how often he switched back to Ms Braun, she always corrected him on the spot.  
Reiner realised he felt uncomfortable and with a “Well, we’ll get going then.”, he grabbed Bertholdt by the shoulder and pushed him out of the kitchen slash living room. Once they headed upstairs, they made themself comfortable in Reiners room.

“Sooo, excited for school already?” Bertholdt asked and chuckled at the reaction he obtained.  
“Dear god, no.” Reiner threw his hands up in agony and flopped onto his bed, eyes fixing the ceiling. “It feels like every summer gets shorter. Damn wasn’t my birthday like yesterday or so?”  
“I think it has been a few more days.” With a silent chuckle Bertholdt grabbed the chair from Reiners desk and made himself comfortable. His hands were already searching the insides of his bag and after he found what he looked for he threw the snack pack on his best friend's chest.  
“Uagh- Damn yes! Bertl you fucker, you know just what I need!”  
“Well, you did ask for them, Reiner'' Bertholdt watched as his friend grabbed the package of Cheetos, looking pretty eager to rip it apart and tear into it. He just smiled at the scene, placing a bottle of soda water and a bottle of Cola on the desk behind him. Whenever he had stocked up a few snacks at home he would bring them over when visiting - if they did not devour them at his place beforehand.  
Sometimes he was glad he babysitted over the summer. The extra pocket money was well appreciated.

“I guess I am excited being back on the field.” Reiner said, mouth full of cheetos. Bertholdt nodded and began to spin the desk chair he was sitting on with his legs. “Need to get in form again though.” Bertholdt just sent him a grin, both of them knowing Reiner was very well in form for his age. Honestly, he never met a guy more massive than him before.  
“Would cut it short with the snacks then.” Bertholdt shot back and Reiner ducked in shame but with a smirk on his lips.  
Half an hour passed where they both catched up with each other - not that there was much to begin with. They saw each other every other day and texted the other via phone every time something newsworthy came up.  
They talked a bit about Bertholdts father, even though the topic was pushed aside quickly. Reiner told him about his last visit to his uncle and how his cousin Gabi was doing in school. Bertholdt had seen the young 8 year old girl a few times before, but never really long or close enough to consider “knowing” her. They also talked about the upcoming week, about friends they haven't met over the summer or about the things they did over the break. 

“Damn, you remember Erens party earlier this summer?” Reiner, who had his laptop on his lap by now, was leaning against the wall on his bed. They agreed to watch a movie and the blond was looking for one right now.  
There was a moment of uneasiness in Bertholdt but he still forced a smile regardless.  
“Of course.” And, to get the upcoming thoughts out of his mind, he added: “I also remember how you puked all over Zeke's new car.” A blush was creeping up Reiners cheeks and Bertholdt laughed silently.  
“Y-Yeah, you won't let me live that down, do you?”  
“I never saw him that mad.”  
“Haha, yeah! I remember seeing you at the front door when the yelling started. Thought you were more terrified than me.”  
“Mhm. I guess I was.” He chuckled and grabbed the bottle of water. Even if Zeke's yelling hadn't been the trigger for his confused mood on this day, it didn't help to calm his feelings down. He remembered sitting on the bathroom floor alone with Marco, hands and lips on each others body and messily kissing his freckled friend. It had been his first kiss with another guy and it made him feel things he didn't know he was capable of feeling.  
They soon settled for a Comedy Action movie and Bertholdt hopped onto the bed beside Reiner. He scooted over a bit and grabbed a pillow to shove it between his head and the wall. 

Moments like this were his favourites.  
Just enjoying each other's company - no matter what exactly it was in between them.  
For a moment he just closed his eyes, breathed in Reiners scent and blew it out back again. The short hairs on Reiners' neck wiggled under the air and he noticed the goosebump on his friend's arm that was touching his arm. It made Bertholdt feel all kinds of things. He was sure if he would lean over now and rest his head on Reiners shoulder the shorter one wouldn't complain. Maybe he would even lean into the touch and rest his short blond hair against his dark brown mop. But he didn't - because whatever it was it was enough for now. He only realised he was gay a few weeks before and so did the realisation for his crush on Reiner. He still needed to figure some things out, sort his emotions and feelings.  
It wasn't important if or when he confessed to his friend - moments like this almost felt like enough for him.  
Almost.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting some insights on Reiners point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 ready to go!  
> Thanks for all the Kudos and Comments on the last - it means a lot!  
> Also writing this really helps picking up writing in generall again. It has been wayyyy to long since I really wrote more than a google doc page, ha!  
> Thanks again to my Beta jeskah for reading through this <3 
> 
> And without further words, enjoy ~

**Reiners POV**

“Good morning Annie! I see you look as excited as always!”  
“Fuck you too, Braun.”  
Ah, as lovely as always.  
Reiner laughed and skipped his way past the tiny blonde who was just closing the gate to the home behind her. School Bag over her shoulder she pushed passed him, making it clear to put as much strength into the short body contact as possible. She wasn't what you would call a morning person and looking at her messy made bun and the tired look on her face Reiner knew better than to annoy her further.  
Not that he had a death wish.  
Despite all that, Reiner still liked cold, stoic Annie - after all they grew up together in those streets, visiting Kindergarten and preschool together. Even today, with the beginning of their last High school year, they still hang out occasionally. Not very often, since Annie wasn’t a peoples person, but still regardless. 

Reiner chuckled and made his way to Bertholdts front door. Sometimes the three of them would walk together to school, but the blond knew better than to call for Annie to wait up. If she wanted to walk she would wait somewhere, if she wouldn’t then that’s fine too. With a short knock he stepped back and leaned against the wall, scrolling mindlessly through his phone. It didn't take long for the door to open and a more than tired looking Bertholdt stepped outside.  
The big grin on Reiners' face just grew wider at the view. Unlike him, his friend had never been a morning person. He could see why Bertholdt and Annie got along so well with each other.

“Mornin’.” he mumbled, clearly not happy about the early hours of the day. Reiner just laughed and gripped his head, pulling him down and rubbing through his hair with his fist. A whine escaped his friend as he pushed against his strong arms, to no avail.  
“Reiner, let go. For fucks sake, it’s too early for this.”  
“Gotta make sure you’re awake, huh?”  
“Reiner-” The blond laughed and released his friend who frantically straightened his dark hair strands back.  
“Good morning to you too! I see you are as excited as ever going back to school!”  
“Just let me wake up first.” He said and, shortly after, added: “It should be illegal to be this happy in the morning.”

They started walking and Reiner could spot Annie a little distance away, leaning against a tree, earphones plugged in. He smiled to himself, beaming.

-

“You know as well as me that this is my fucking seat Yaeger!”  
“Huh? Really? You married it or some shit? Last time I checked there wasn’t your fucking name attached to it, Jean!”  
“I’ve been sitting there for three years now what the fuck do you mean? How pitiful can one man be? Only because you came, what? 5 minutes earlier than usual? Why were you up anyway, Mr. Always sleeping in?”  
“Fucks sake horseface! That was one time! Just take another damn chair and stop crying. They’re all the same.”  
“But-”  
“By the lord, The school year is like what? 2 minutes old? Can you two get a goddamn grip for at least one day?” Ymirs heavy groan vibrated through the room and made the two guys shut up for a moment. “You are going to give my lovely Christa a headache with your neanderthal shouting.” Said blonde shook her head, raising her hands in defence.  
“N-No it’s ok! Just try to keep it down guys.” A silent glare was sent towards Ymir who just stuck her tongue out for Christa. 

Ah, lovely lovely Christa.

Reiner always had been fascinated by her. She was tiny, so small and fragile - almost looking like an angel herself. The blonde hair on her head only outshined by her big, blue ocean eyes. She was a kind girl, always there to help everyone and never speak up to anything or anyone (with the exception being Ymir).  
Reiner knew if it wasn’t for the fact that he was gay, he would’ve fallen for the girl ages ago.

And Lord was he gay.  
Somehow he always knew, even if he didn’t put a name on it for a long time. There never had been any desire towards his female classmates during those years. He heard the boys talking about boobs and asses and about - god forbid how Reiner hated the word - pussies. For some reason he never was as pumped as the other boys when suggesting to sneak into the girls bathroom or playing spin the bottle. Sure, he was curious and with the years passing and hormones starting to pump through bodies he couldn’t deny that he got interested in certain things. Like porn.  
Just as all the other guys his age he started to look at it. At first he tried the normal stuff. Or at least that’s what he considered normal. Who doesn’t bust a nut to “sexy teenage girl getting banged at detention”. Well, as it turned out Reiner didn’t. For some reason it never got him going as much as he liked to. There was just way too much tits and way too less dick and all the loud ass moaning got on his nerves fast. It was a turn off in his eyes.  
In the end he just started to watch solo guy videos until he finally told himself “fuck it” and tried gay porn.  
Oh boy, yup. He had been sure after that.  
He was totally into guys. 

He never really told anyone that he was gay though. Hasn’t been important till now, shouldn’t be important yet.  
Technically, he could confide in his best friend Bertholdt, but Reiner wasn’t so sure about that. Not that he thought Bertl wouldn’t accept him for who he was - Reiner could tell him he would be eating maggots for breakfast and Bertholdt still would try to support him in some sort of way - but there was a different reason for his silence.  
He wanted to tell Bertholdt he was gay, yes. But he also wanted to tell him how gay he was for him.  
He really really really wanted to take this friendship further. Wanted to kiss Bertholdt. Wanted to be his boyfriend. Wanted to do all those lovey dovey shit with him.  
And damn, if that next step didn’t scare the hell out of him then what would? 

There was a little nudge on his shoulder and, getting back to reality, he looked behind him. Bertholdt was pushing him a little and Reiner suddenly realised that he occupied the way with his broad body. Oops.  
A small smile was sent Bertholdts way and he started to move again. They usually sat in the last row ever since they entered highschool and they also would this year.

Bertholdt hated it because most of the time it was hard to focus from the back of the class, snickering and talking students between them and the teacher. But Reiner always insisted since it was easier to “chill” in the back and his friend never was one to put up a fight.  
Reiner knew that it wasn't the best idea for his grades but he usually kept up with them, bringing home average Cs and Bs (with sports being the exception).  
Most of the time this was all thanks to his lanky friend - they often did their homework together and more than one time Bertholdt had tortured his friend in a subject or explained a heavy topic to him. Not that he was dumb, but Reiner was more of a street smart than school smart guy. Other than Bertholdt, who was the top student right under their friend Armin.  
Another reason why Reiner really liked Bertholdt. He was just so smart.

Silently they sat down, occupying the same space they always did. It didn’t take long for Bertholdt to hide his face in between crossed arms and snore silently on the table.  
Reiner smiled, knowing he deserved every bit of sleep he could get, always working so hard in and out of school. As to not wake him up - which was impossible anyway since Bertholdt slept like a brick - he leaned against the table and listened into the conversation in front of him in between Christa and Ymir.  
Chatting a bit with them, the early morning minutes passed by. Ymir and him bickered back and forth, with Christa being the angel she was. Sometimes Reiner wondered if she was just as annoyed as everyone else with their back and forth bickering. She always had such a good poker face on her that Reiner never could tell if she meant it or not. 

It didn't take long for the bell to ring and soon their teacher, a pretty young woman called Ms. Ral, started their welcome back to school ordeal. Reiner woke Bertholdt up shortly before she stepped in, getting a grump in return but a not sleeping Bertl nonetheless. 

-

With new gained motivation, Reiner found himself alongside his friend in front of the school building. They were placed a little off side so as to not get into the current of people who exited the building and with a big stretch into the air he could hear his neck crack.  
“Damn, thought I’d fell asleep right there.” A big yawn stretched over his face and Bertholdt nodded along with a smile.  
“That’s why you should sleep before the lessons starts, idiot.”  
“Oh, the expert speaking huh?”  
They both chuckled as Bertholdt took a sip from his water bottle before putting it away again. It didn’t take long before Ymir, Christa, Marco and Jean joined them at their usual after school hang out spot. 

“Alright guys, first day survived successfully.”, Jean shouted before they were even there. The girls raised their arms in greetings and Marco sent them both a shy smile. For a moment Reiner thought he saw a blush creeping up on his freckled face as he eyed Bertholdt, but didn’t dwell on it. After all, it was his imagination anyway. There was no reason for Marco to blush at his tall friend. 

“We wanted to hang out at the park guys. Catching up and all those things.” Reiner gazed at Christa who looked up to them. Her tiny body was covered by one of Ymir's hands lingering over her shoulder and he shot her a grin.  
“Sounds fine to me. Haven’t been there for awhile now anyway.”  
“Don’t get hyped up too much Braun. You’re only allowed to come because my Christa has such a big, sweet heart.” She stuck her tongue out at him but this time the blond male just laughed.  
“Well at least someone in the relationship, right?”  
“Oh, big words from the big boy? Just watch out.”  
“Ymir!” There was a silent warning in Christas tone, but she smiled regardless. They have been dating for a few months now but even before that everyone kind of assumed they were a thing. Sometimes it reminded Reiner of his own situation with Bertl.  
Best friends, always hanging out with each other.  
He silently wished they would already skip to the dating part themselves. 

Jean snorted and urged the little group to already get going.  
“Well then, what’re we waiting for? Let's get going!” But before someone could actually “Get going”, Marco shot Bertholdt a shy smile.  
“Are you coming too?”  
Reiner could instantly feel Bertholdt tense beside him. He sent his friend a questioning look and turned around to face him. Bertholdt just looked down at his feet, a big blush on his cheeks and brows furrowed. He always made himself smaller than he actually was and Reiner often forgot that he indeed was taller than him. And not by little.  
His friend, fidgeting with the end of his shirt, ducked under the attention.  
“Sorry, I can’t. My father and stuff… you know.” Reiner could feel the mood drop for a second and so did his friend apparently, as he added: “B-But don’t worry about it! Just have fun for me too guys!” Looking at Reiner when saying this for some reason the smile on his lips made the blonde sad. 

“You sure?”, he asked, brow raised. A nod.  
“I am. Talk to you later, Reiner.” And with that he put a hand on Reiners shoulder and looked at the rest of the group. For some reason Marco seemed put down all of a sudden.

“Have fun guys. Sorry for not having time, but maybe next time! Bye.” Just as fast as the words left his mouth he could see Bertholdt stumble over the pavement in front of them. He sighed, but put the grin back on. It wouldn’t be as much fun without his best friend, but it would be fun regardless.  
“Well, you heard the man. Let's get going!”

-

The park was a 25 minute walk away which was just what his body needed. Sitting around all day made his legs tingle in anticipation for movement and he soon found himself trotting at the front of their little group with Marco and Jean right behind him. The hot noon sun was manageable due to the fresh breeze that was drifting around them and Reiner couldn’t help but sigh in satisfaction. It was a beautiful day. Maybe they could grab some ice cream on their way back. 

They soon arrived at the little park area they always used to hang out at. It was covered in nice, green grass and surrounded by some trees with two running tracks on it and tons of benches to sit on. Even a small pond where the occasional ducks rested was placed in the middle there, a single wooden bridge running over it. It was always filled with people looking for a little escape in their day. Parents with their new born in strollers, couples enjoying the peace together, workers eating their lunch during break. The park was always full of life.

They soon found themselves sitting in the grass under one of the trees, searching for some shade in the heat. Reiner stretched out his legs in the grass, leaning back and crossing his arms behind his head. He could hear some rock music as Ymir put on one of her spotify playlists and placed the phone in the middle of the group. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see how the freckled woman was leaning against the tree, with Christa in between her legs and arms wrapped around the blond. Jean was already making himself comfortable too under the sun and Reiner was sure he would be snoring soon. To his surprise, Marco lay down beside Reiner and stretched his legs out just as he did. 

He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the moment for a while.  
And without even thinking, his thoughts drifted to his closest friend. His friend who wasn’t even here.  
He really wanted him to be here, with him. Wanted to hold him as close as Ymir was holding Christa. Reiner knew that, if he would be here and they would be a couple, he would snuggle an arm under Bertholdts head so the taller one had some sort of pillow when lying down. He can picture his friend falling asleep on his biceps, can picture the little wrinkle of his nose in his sleep and the rested face that he adored so much.  
Damn, his heart ached thinking about it. He really wanted to be this close to him.  
He was such a pussy for not confessing. 

All it would take was a stammered “H-Hey Bertl, I think we should go out with each other.” and he was sure the two of them would do just that. But he was scared and for some fucked up reason he didn’t even know what exactly he was scared of. Maybe there was some doubt in his mind, some fear of rejection. Maybe he was not ready. Maybe he didn’t want to ruin whatever they had.  
What if this was it? What if a relationship would ruin the thing in between them? You always heard about couples changing, couples getting mad at each other and couples breaking up.  
Reiner didn’t want to risk the closeness they shared over some stupid hypothetical relationship fight.  
But as he opened his eyes and saw Christas head resting on Ymir's shoulder he felt that aching peng again in his chest.  
He wanted this.  
More than anything else. 

“-Reiner? Hey Reiner?”  
He slowly tilted his head in the other direction, Marcos' voice silently begging for his attention. He raised a brow in question and shifted his body a bit, the conversation between the two girls turning into background sound. 

“Tired?”, Marco asked and there was a gentle smile on his lips. Reiner always liked the little freckles on Marcos' face and in some sort of way he could be considered cute. But he really wasn’t Reiners type. His type were big, tall and lanky guys with caramelle skin and a big prominent nose.  
“Mhm, not really. But the sun is making me.” There was a nod and for a moment none of them said anything. Reiner closed his eyes again, letting the gentle sunbeams warm his face. He was sure that his blond her looked even more golden under the heat of the sun.

“Did Bertholdt say anything?”  
It was just a whisper and Reiner almost overheard it - but the mention of his friend's name made his eyes open up and his face turn around once more. There was confusion on his face and Marco almost looked a little frightened.  
“I’ll take that as a no then.” 

“What? What do you mean?” He wanted to sit up and ask Marco what’s up, maybe even grab him by the shoulder. But for some strange reason he was also whispering because Marco was whispering and oh god, why was this so much more intense than it should actually be? He clenched his teeth together and after no answer he tried again.  
“Tell me. What do you mean? Marco?” There was a silent plea in Reiners voice and for some reason his stomach clenched together. He didn’t know why he was so nervous but Marcos' whole appearance over the day and the biting of his bottom lip now made his heart race. He silently shook his head.  
“S-Sorry Reiner, I shouldn't have brought it up. It’s nothing, really.” 

And before Reiner could even protest, Marco was sitting up with a little bit too much force and looked at the rest of the group. Ymir and Christa stopped talking and looked at him in question.  
“I am going home now guys. Was fun.” As he was talking, Jean was shifting in his sleep and Reiner could see the gaze Marco sent his way. He was sitting up too, looking helplessly at the freckled boy as he gathered his things and left with a wave.  
He didn’t feel calm anymore. Looking at the spot where Marco disappeared his thoughts were racing.  
Did Bertholdt say anything? Say anything about what? What was he talking about?! Why had he been blushing at his friend? Why had Bertholdt looked so flustered? Was the real reason really his father for not joining, or Marco? What if there was something going on between them, under Reiners' very nose? What if his chance was already gone, what if he was too late, what if-  
“Reiner? You alright there?” 

He looked behind him, seeing the others towering over him. They all had gathered their things and it seemed like they wanted to head back too. Christa, who had snapped him out of his thoughts, was covered with a worried expression.  
He realised how freaking fast his heart was pumping and the heavy sweat that had been gathering under his armpits.  
“Uh, y-yeah. Just- Nothing.” His big hand wiped over his face once and he took a deep breath, trying to calm his shaking hands.  
It probably was nothing. Bertholdt would tell him something that important for sure.  
Would he…? 

“Well, as said we’re gonna head home now. You wanna stay, or?” Jean stretched his arms into the air and Reiner waved them off.  
“Go ahead. I just want to sit for a little longer.” Ymir just shrugged her shoulders and grabbed Christa by the waist.  
“Well, you do you. See you at school tomorrow.” 

As soon as they were gone he fished for his phone, calloused fingers stumbling over his keyboard as he typed in a message. Sending it with a strange feeling in his stomach, he hoped he didn’t sound like the mad man he felt he was right now.  
After staring at the little screen for longer than what was good for him, he sighed heavily and slapped his forehead.  
“Am I stupid? What’s wrong with me?” Silently gathering his things he pushed his phone back into his pocket, anxiously waiting for a reply as he headed home.  
He really hoped Bertholdt wouldn’t take the message the wrong way, but he needed answers. Answers, before his heart would be jumping out of his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some late night Discord calls and a Party Flashback~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again!  
> Thanks again for the comments and kudos, it really means a lot. As always a thanks to my beta, Jeskah <3  
> I was really unsure of the first half with the fic, so I hope it doesn't sound boring or anything like that ;3;  
> with that said, enjoy!

**Bertholdts POV**

Towel wrapped around his waist Bertholdt dried off his shower wet hair with another one as he made his way back to his room. A quick glance at the clock told him that it was almost5 pm and after getting dressed and hanging the towels back into the bathroom, he threw himself on the bed with a flop.  
He was tired. If it were up to him he would fall asleep on the spot, right here and now. Unfortunately, he knew better than that. Falling asleep right now would not only get in the way of him making dinner, but also deny him his sleep at night due to not being tired anymore.  
Ugh.  
Rolling on his back he grabbed his phone which was charging on the nightstand since he came back from school. Spotting two unread messages - one from Reiner and one from Pieck - he decided to open the latter first. 

**Pieck**  
_> > Turtle! How was ur first day? Got anything juicy? Give Mama Pieck her news!!_

He sighed at the message but still smiled. He met Pieck through an online game a few years back and she really grew on him over time. He considered her the closest he had to a friend, after Reiner.  
They didn’t play as much together anymore since Bertholdt dropped the more time investing games he used to play, but they still called from time to time or chatted with each other. Bertholdt had met her once personally, a year ago when her parents were visiting relatives in the area, since she lived a few hours away. It had been an exhausting day, but a fun one nonetheless. 

**Bertholdt**  
_> >It was fine. Nothing newsworthy. Sorry. :( _

Realising that the message has been read instantly, he waited for her reply. 

**Pieck**  
_> >!!! If anything happens keep me up to date! Especially about Mr. You know who I mean! Gotta grab dinner now anyway. Wanna call later?_

**Bertholdt**  
_> >Not sure. I am really tired. But enjoy your dinner - see ya. :)_

Ignoring the mention of Reiner he switched the chat box with a smile and looked at Reiners message. His brow twitched and his breath halted, his smile already fading again, and as his heart skipped a beat he looked at the short but strange message. 

**Reiner**  
_> >Hey, uhm, not wanting to sound strange or some shit but is there something going on between you and Marco? Hasn’t he been kinda off towards you today? Just curious. _

What?  
Was Marco acting weird?  
What did the freckled boy tell Reiner? What did he do?  
Bertholdt couldn't help it as his fingers began to shake silently. It felt as if his heart would be falling out of his chest all of a sudden and his stomach clenched together in anxiety.  
No, no, no, this shouldn’t be happening!  
For fucks sake, Marco himself said they would be keeping this a secret. A thing between them. It hadn’t been a problem during the whole of summer break so why was he acting out now? Did he regret it? Did he think it was funny? Or, god forbid, what if he had catched feelings for him?  
No, impossible. Bertholdt knew that he definitely wasn’t Marcos type - also he didn’t even know Bertholdt was gay himself!  
So why would he even think he had chances? 

He read the message again. And again. And again. He read the message over and over, trying to read between the lines. Fucking hell, he should’ve joined them today! He wouldn’t be sitting in his room now otherwise and silently having a panic attack by himself. Ignoring Reiner for now, he switched to Piecks chat again and with shaky fingers typed: 

**Bertholdt**  
_> >Call you after dinner. It’s about Reiner._

-

“So? That’s it?”  
“What do you mean that’s it?”  
“That’s like the tamest shit I ever heard. You’re scared to reply to that? Honestly, big boy I expected more from you.”  
“I wanted to call you first. Didn’t wanted to write something stupid, Pieck!” In hindsight, he wasn’t so sure if the call was helping his decision making - Pieck wasn’t as helpful as he imagined.  
She still calmed his nerves though.  
“You and not being stupid? Impossible!”  
“Pieck! I mean it! Please take this seriously.”

After having a quick dinner with his father made by none other than himself (thank god for that rice cooker), he excused himself and barricaded inside his room, curtains closed. Turning on his laptop, he opened discord and saw that Pieck was already waiting in the call for him.  
After demanding firsthand screenshots of the message Bertholdt received from Reine, Bertholdt told her about his kiss with Marco, which he hadn't told anyone about before. She seemed livid at him for not telling him sooner, sending a rush of curse words towards him and his obligation for keeping things private. She still managed to catch up in the end, though.

“Well? So just tell him what you told me, Turtle. I don’t get the fuss? You’re making this bigger than it is.”  
Bertholdt sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. The tiredness from earlier was brushed away for the time being as his body was full with adrenalin after reading Reiners message.  
“If I do that I have to out myself.”  
“Soooo? Wasn’t that your plan to begin with? Isn’t that, like, the perfect opportunity?” He heard the crackle of crisps in the background and winced. Piecks microphone was always so hypersensitive and picked up every little background noise of hers.  
“Not like this Pieck. You know why.”  
“Do I?”  
“Yes you do!”  
“Then just don’t tell him the gay part? I mean, why would you need to out yourself if you tell him-”  
“Because it is the perfect opportunity…”, he mumbled, moodiness taking over. He wanted to for a while anyway, and with the situation at hand it would make sense. 

Still. It felt sudden, and rushed and he hated to not have control over the situation.  
It made his stomach twist in ways he didn’t like. 

There was a short pause only disturbed by another wave of munching sounds.  
“Do you still want to suck his d-”  
“Pieck!” 

She laughed and after feeling the flush rushing to his cheeks he sighed. There were days when it was easy to keep up with Piecks open personality, just as there were days where he just wanted to smash the disconnect button as soon as he heard her voice.  
Especially when the never ending teasing about him and Reiner echoed through his headphones. More than one time Pieck had joked she would just write the blonde himself and Bertholdt feared that one day her teasing would turn into reality.  
Sounding softer this time, Piecks voice cracked through the damaged headset again.  
“Honestly Bertholdt, do you really imagine it would turn out as bad as you think?”

Did he? No.  
Was he still scared as fuck? Definitely. 

He sighed and fumbled for his phone. It had been 3 hours since Reiner had sent the message and 2 since he read it. Not being able to hold an answer back any longer, he opened the little Whatsapp icon and eyed the words there again.  
“I am just scared.”, he whispered. Pieck hummend, trying to tell him it was ok.  
“Change isn’t always a bad thing, Turtle.” 

He wondered how much truth was in that statement.  
Recalling a time years ago, where his mother was still alive and his father healthy. Remembering the home cooked meals, the birthday cakes every year, the warm hugs whenever he was sad or just felt like it. He thought about how much he loved his mother, how much he thought that she loved him, being his only son and lovely Bertl as she always called him warmly.  
Change may not always be a bad thing, but Bertholdt never understood why his mother had killed herself that day, years ago. Leaving him with the intense feeling of sadness and shock and - most of all - anger. With tons of anger and questions he would never get an answer to.  
Anger towards her and himself, anger towards the world and the unknown. The never answered “why” drifting through his mind whenever he couldn’t fall asleep at night. 

Change wasn’t always bad, but he had cried two nights in a row as his fathers health took a downturn 2 years ago. He had been diagnosed with MS for a long time before that, but in the last 24 months it had been getting worse and worse. Bertholdt often found himself waking up in a sweat at night, his mind drifting off into endless “What if'' scenarios. Sleep would never come back during nights like those. Sometimes he would just lay there, staring at his ceiling until the morning rays illuminated his small bedroom and signaled the start of a new day. Sometimes he would silently sob until his eyes burned. Sometimes he weakly wished his father would just die because he hated this situation as much as his father did.  
He hated himself just as much.

Change wasn’t bad.  
Not always.  
But sometimes… sometimes it was all that Bertholdt feared.  
He didn’t want to take the risk. He couldn’t lose his only constant he had left in his life.  
He couldn’t lose Reiner.

Still grabbing the phone, his shaking fingers began to type. 

**Bertholdt**  
_> >Sorry for not replying earlier. Not sure what Marco told you but no, there isn’t something ‘between us’. _

He couldn’t help himself. He wanted to add more, wanted to explain so desperately what really happened but he just couldn’t bring himself too. Almost immediately there was a silent ping with a response. 

**Reiner**  
_> >Ok. _

Bertholdt groaned and slammed his forehead on the desk in front of him. Piecks voice let him remember that he was still on a call with her.  
“So? What did you write? Turtle, is-”  
He pressed the little disconnect button and whined. He was tired, and this whole thing made his heart beat faster than it actually should. He typed out a quick apology to Pieck and told her he would update her later. 

All he wanted to do was to get into bed, roll the thick blanket over himself and drift off into some dreamless sleep.  
Doing just that he turned his laptop off and curled himself down on the bed, soft fabric over him. Closing his eyes, he turned his phone on airplane mode and pushed it at the farthest corner of the nightstand.  
Everyone knew that ok was a big fucking not ok. 

As his mind slowly drifted off he felt sleep finally taking over, silently wishing he would’ve written more, would’ve told Reiner the whole story and his feelings.

-

_The heavy scent of cheap perfume, hairspray and cigarette smoke combined with the every lingering taste of alcohol in the air made Bertholdt belch. He never understood how people liked parties like this - nights, where friendships were made and broders crossed over as the sweet serenade of the night lulled everyone in. That, and the alcohol most of the people here consumed despite it being illegal to begin with.  
Eren's house parties were always something else.  
For starters, they weren’t Erens parties - his halfbrother Zeke being the one chilling with his friends and, what seemed like, kids from half the neighbourhood. Eren always invited his classmates too, probably for flexing a few coolness points in front of the others (especially Jean), and most of the people were happy to have a place to trash themselves. Zeke couldn’t care less as it seemed as long as they paid for the shit they drank and kept the place clean the day after. The older Yaeger boy was living in the family's garage, which was also the place for said events in case his parents weren’t home over the weekend or something. _

_Bertholdt himself was leaning against the wall outside of the garage, with the excuse to get some fresh air in his already bruised lunges. His head was already spinning despite not touching a single drop of alcohol (after all he was only 16 and never as curious as Reiner) and the crispy night air was calming him down a bit. It was already 11pm and Bertholdt decided that he would just go home soon anyway. He just had to find the big muscle mass called his friend and tell him he would be off._

_Sometimes he would agree to Reiners desperate attempts at making Betholdt come to parties like this, always claiming some shit about how he needed to deepen his social contacts or just loosen up and have some fun.  
It worked from time to time but mostly he just declined and stayed home, not seeing much purpose in it anyway. There were many things that he would rather do than watch some older strangers, supposedly Zeke's friends, devouring each other's tongues in front of him on the front lawn. Like playing sims. Or sleeping. _

_Standing outside in the cold, alone, even though it was refreshing, only made him realise so much more how lonely he actually felt._

_Breathing in deeply, gathering as much crisp air as possible in his longues, he turned around again and headed for the front door, passing a few drunk college students on the way. It was always full of Zeke's friends, only a handful of them being invited through Eren. Zeke wanted to keep it cool at the end of the day, not wanting to be charged with anything like giving minors alcohol or some shit. As if the number of High Schoolers would make a difference in that._

_Thick, swollen air paired with heavy, loud music sirened him inside and he had to fight the urge to turn around and run. Maybe it was more fun being here when actually drinking like his friends and sometimes he came close to do just that.  
The image of Reiners sick body heaving over the toilet the next day was always enough to delete that thought out of his mind.  
His eyes gazed around the living room, a few people gathered here and there, the loud music only outdone by the even louder holering of people who already seemed to be in a good mood. Trying to find a face he actually knew, Bertholdt made his way into the kitchen were he spotted Armin, sitting silently by Erens side and listening to whatever bragging story the brown haired boy was spitting out. Moving closer, he avoided body contact as best as possible. _

_“Bertholdt.” Armin raised his head with a tired smile and Bertholdt returned it just as fast.  
“Have you seen Reiner?” Thankfully, Armin nodded and tried to keep Eren on his seat. Always going way overboard, Eren wasn’t an enjoyable person to be around when drunk. Another reason why he would make this as quick as possible.  
“I think he is upstairs with the other’s in Eren's room.” Armin isn’t surprised when Bertholdt quickly nodded in thanks and already made his way upstairs. _

_Taking two steps at a time (long legs were good for something, huh?) he quickly found himself in the small hallway upstairs, heading towards the mentioned room as Marco crossed his direction. Freckled cheeks already a bit rosy, he slightly bumped into Bertholdt and apologized quickly.  
“Hehe. Didn’t see you there for a moment. Way too big.”  
“Uh, yeah. Sorry?” Feeling a bit uncomfortable he passed Marco, wanting to head ahead in his mission as a sick belch sound made him turn around once more. For fucks sake. Why always him?? _

_Brushing a heavy sigh over his lips he grabbed the boy under the armpit and stabilised him, making a quick detour to the bathroom. Almost instantly the freckled boy fell to the floor and grabbed the edges of the toilette, heaving the insides of his stomach inside. The sour smell made Bertholdt gag - he hated the smell.  
The smell of the sick.  
The smell that seemed to accompany him through his life. _

_Honestly, he should’ve just left him there - but he couldn't. It wasn’t Bertholdts nature. He always cared.  
Silent, by himself and never one to open up, but deep down he always cared for the people in his life. And so he found himself beside Marco, rubbing his back silently and flushing the toilet occasionally, not wanting to linger in the heavy scent longer than needed.  
After what felt like a little eternity, the deep, short breaths became smoother again and the white-knuckled grip on the toilet seat loosened up. As Marco sat back up, Bertholdt drew his hand away and watched. It wasn’t a pleasant view, at all. Marco, looking even paler than he already was, drool and spit and other disgusting body fluids all over his chin being swiftly wiped away by his arm. Ew. _

_“Feeling better?”, he asked and stood up to get him a glass of water. Searching for a cup he grabbed the toothbrush holder and silently emptied its contents. Marco thanked him shakingly as Bertholdt sat on the edge of the bathtub and handed the water over.  
After a few big gulps and a good rinse, he nodded.  
“Kinda. Thanks, Bertholdt.”  
Feeling like there was no need to be here anymore, he stood up. As he headed for the door, he could hear Marcos' voice; still shaking from his vomit session, yet silent and broken due to whatever reason he had.  
“I think I’m gay.” _

_Gay? Bertholdts hand froze in its spot over the door handle and after a heavy sigh from Marco, he could hear a breaking sob. Oh no.  
Oh no no no.  
He wasn’t the right person for this, not at all.  
With panic in his eyes he turned around and looked down at the figure, huddled together in front of the toilette. Silent tears rolled down Marcos cheeks and Bertholdt clenched his fists together, keeping them helplessly at his sides and towering above him. What should he do? What was the norm for this? Was he supposed to hug him? Should he stroke his back again? Should he say something? Scream? Run away?? _

_“Do you think it’s weird?”, Marco asked and almost instantly Bertholdt shook his head. His voice, however, was higher pitched than he liked.  
“N-No. W-Why should it?”  
There was a desperate laugh escaping Marcos lips and it made Bertholdt flinch back.  
“I mean, isn’t it kind of dumb?! I-I don’t even know for sure if .. if I am and- and-” Another sob escaped the trembling lips. Sweat started to gather on Bertholdts forehead and he clenched his fists together even tighter. He was useless, he knew, but what was he supposed to do? Say? He wasn’t really close to Marco to begin with, so why him? Why now? Why in this tiny bathroom where the air seemed to be heavier than anything else? _

_“Uh-” Oh, very helpful. That’s gonna do it Hoover!  
Despite his more than useful advice Marco choked up another laugh and hugged his legs that were angled against his chest. “I am so dumb. I am so so dumb. You know, I really w- No, I- Ugh.”  
Finally, Bertholdt choked out a breath he did not even realise had been held back. Crossing the short distance he decided to sit on the bathtub edge again and rested his chin on his hands. With eyes fixed on Marco, who had his head buried in his knees and cried weakly, he tried to gather his thoughts. To think about something to say. Anything. _

_If Reiner would be here, he would know what to do.  
Reiner was always better in things like that. Hell, even Annie would in her own sort of way.  
But he? Social inept, no-people-person Bertholdt?  
No. Not a chance he would say the right thing at this moment; and with that thought he just let Marco lead him through this. He didn’t want to be here to begin with so it was the least the shorter boy could do, for both of them. Bertholdt wanted to keep his dignity, at last.  
And so Marco cried, and Bertholdt listened dutifully. Until the sobs became weaker and Marco looked up with a snort._

_“Thanks for staying.” It was almost painful how obvious the discomfort of being here was written on him. Marco thanked him regardless and Bertholdt accepted it with a tiny, forced smile.  
“It’s ok.”, he said, even though it wasn’t ok at all. For some reason, his feet seemed rather interesting at the moment. Or the tiles of the bathroom floor.  
“Say, can I ask you something?”  
No.  
“Sure.”  
“Can I kiss y-you? L-Like, to see if it is actually different than with a girl?”  
No.  
“Sure.” _

_He wasn’t sure why he said yes to this. Hell, he wasn’t even sure how he still was so composed after the question even entered the room. Normally he would’ve bolted out, legs in hand and running downstairs to the safety of the outside world. But this whole situation was too fucked up to begin with and he was almost too scared to say no.  
Maybe he was terrified that Marco would begin to cry again if he would decline. Maybe he felt like it was his duty after submitting to Marcos lead in this whole sob sessio. Maybe he was a tiny bit curious himself, even though he was sure this wasn’t the right time, place or person.  
But what better opportunity would open up for him anyway?  
Maybe it was desperation as he slowly crawled down from the bathtub and onto the floor in front of Marco. Maybe it was personal curiosity as he watched him lean forward, eyes closed and lips pressed together firmly as he catched them with his own.  
Maybe it was the heavy air, his beginning headache, his always tired body that betrayed him.  
In the end it didn’t matter what it was. It happened. That’s what counts. _

_It was terrible.  
Sloppy, wet and Marco tasted like alcohol and vomit, which made Bertholdt almost choke. He still held his place. They pressed their lips together, firm, not daring to move them away or at all. It was when Marco began moving them against his that Bertholdt copied the action, sloppily catching his lips with his own.  
Here he was, having his first kiss, with a guy who just threw up everything he held in and sobbed into his pants like a child, on Erens cold, sticky bathroom floor.  
Not the way he imagined it to be.  
And fuck was it horrible, terrible and tasted like shit - but for some fucked up reason he was still kind of turned on by the whole thing, his hormonal body betraying him all the way. Feeling his hot breath against Marcos, closing his eyes as he leaned deeper into the touch, craving the others closeness. He reached around his neck, pressing him closer clumsily and felt Marcos tongue silently slipping into his mouth. He revolted at the taste, but felt a jolt in his body regardless. Marcos hands rested on his thighs, looking for support._

_“Yo fuck, open up! Reiners gonna throw up all over the place!”  
It was the knock on the bathroom door that made them part with a jump, hands returning to their former party and big eyes looking at each other wide.  
Bertholdt felt his swollen lips, could feel the disgusting taste of alcohol on his tongue and the much sweeter one of Marco.  
They both blinked at each other a few times, before Bertholdt stood up swiftly, almost falling over from the sudden movement.  
“B-Bertholdt, sorry! I won’t tell anyone.”  
“It’s ok.” He stopped Marco from talking, too many thoughts in his own head to sort them out in this short time. “I’ll go look for Reiner now.” _

_And with that he dashed for the door, ignoring whatever Marco had to say after that and almost threw up himself as soon as he was downstairs, stepping out into the crisp night air again. He barely recognized Reiner who was belching all over the front lawn and Zeke's car before the slipped out into the night and stumbled home, head spinning and body heavy._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some babysitting and maybe more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah I struggled A LOT™ ("!2121!!!) with this chapter.   
> Not only was it more or less a filler chapter, but writing from Reiners POV is always a bit harder for myself than Bertholdt.   
> Also I really dont know why but Gabi comes off really bratty?? Not that it was intended, I am sorry!   
> I don't know, I am just glad this chapter is finally done after rewriting it 4 times.  
> Anyways, guys have fun and hands up for the weekend!

**Reiners POV**

Exhausting.  
That's the only way Reiner could describe the ending week, with Friday rolling over them in a wave. He was glad the weekend was approaching, honestly. The days had become tiring and for some reason he never felt quite as awkward as now.  
He may or may not have been avoiding Bertholdt while simultaneously not so subtly stalking his every movement - especially in the presence of a dark haired, freckled individual. 

The longer the week dragged on, the more confused he got. Thinking back to Monday where he typed out this little dumb message for Bertholdt, he still couldn’t twist his mind around what had happened.  
The reply he had eagerly awaited took hours to come back and all Reiner had gotten was a “Yo dont worry nothing's up fam haha.” Ouch. But he knew his friend like no other and could instantly feel that this was, well, bullshit. He knew when Bertholdt was hiding something or lying. Something he was definitely doing right now.

Still, if Bertholdt didn’t want to talk about it, so would it be. Reiner wasn’t one to force things out of people and seeing how distressed the topic made his tall friend, he would just avoid the subject until Bertholdt would come to him himself.  
Hell, he wasn’t sure he wanted to have that talk anyway. What if his concerns came true?  
What if-  
No. No overthinking today. Don’t even give the evil thoughts a place and time to grow.

And with that mindset he had dragged himself to school over the week, always careful to not slip and get suspicious. 

The first day was awkward as hell and yet nothing seemed to have changed at all.  
Picking up Bertholdt was as much a routine as the walk to school itself and when they both found themselves grabbing stuff from their lockers, the blond felt like nothing happened at all, throwing jokes against Bertholdt's tired figure. Thinking that maybe he really was just putting too much thought into it, the small regained normality was soon destroyed when, once again, Marco showed up in his point of view. 

This time, he wasn’t acting any different than usual and so was Bertholdt - it was Reiner who was gnawing on his bottom lip mercilessly, fists a little too tight over the edge of his schoolbag. 

But despite Reiners worries, the day was a day like any other was.  
The only thing that stood out to him was the silent excuse of his tall friend during lunch and, silently he watched Bertholdt tapping Marco on the shoulder across the hall. Bertholdt was saying something, considering the movement of his lips and Reiner desperately tried to learn lip-reading in those few seconds Bertholdt was out of his earshot. Much to his horror Marco heaved himself up on his feet and together the two disappeared out of the blonds sight. 

The sudden urge to bolt after the two was so heavy, that Reiner had to force his body onto the bench, knuckles turning white from the grip around the lunch table.  
He was overthinking it, he knew it.  
But oh god, if those weren’t the longest minutes in his life...  
Matter of factly it didn’t take long for Bertholdt to return and golden eyes scanned him from head to toe upon feverously.. Searching for any indication of a make out session or even a kiss, Reiner had to admit, hopeful, that the search turned out fruitless.  
Reiner was dying to ask what Bertholdt and Marco were talking about or where they have been disappearing, but he knew better. Eating his lunch in silence, he swallowed down his own curiosity, trying hard not to gawk at his friend over the table during the remaining time of their break. 

The rest of the day was just as any other day - and so was the week that was slowly coming to an end. Bertholdt was back to normal, at least in his eyes and the topic of Marco was slowly fading into whatever pit it came from.  
The freckled boy himself was keeping his distance again - not that they had that much to do with each other before anyway.  
Good, Reiner thought. Good.  
Whatever Bertholdt had said to Marco, the boy seemed to not bother him anymore and Reiner couldn’t be happier about it.

He didn’t even know why it bothered him that much or better WHAT exactly was bothering him? As far as it seemed neither Bertholdt nor Marco (who he had a pretty close eye on recently) were acting out of character or engaging more with each other than they did before. So why, why was Reiners jealous mind clawing at the image of them being together, cuddling in Bertholdts bed and watching a movie?? Why was his mind making up all those fake scenarios only couples would have? 

The bell ring on Friday sounded simultaneously like heaven and hell at once. Wanting nothing more than to just go home and forget everything over the weekend, he also wanted answers. Answers he was sure he wouldn’t get by silently sulking in the corner, no matter how convenient it may be to him.  
Still, as he watched Bertholdt wave goodbye and disappear inside his home after the silent walk back, Reiner ducked his head and made his way towards his own front door without complaint. Like a beaten dog.

It would be alright, once Monday came by.  
If he just told himself over and over again, it would be alright.  
He was sure that a little time would make whatever nonsense his brain came up with vanish. 

“Reiner, you home? Can you come into the kitchen for a second?” Door not even fully closed behind him, the voice of his mother ripped him out of his thoughts. Looking around the kitchen Reiner spotted her in front of the stove, sending him a smile over her shoulder.  
“How was school?”, she asked and he told her it was alright. Nothing much to report during this time of the year anyway - the real stress was only coming closer with each day.

“What's up? Need help somewhere?”, he asked, referring to her question upon his arrival. Making him comfortable on the chair beside the kitchen table, he leaned back, silently basking in the scent of her nice cooking for a moment. There was nothing better than a home cooked meal from his mother.  
“Do you have anything planned for today?” Raising a brow, he shook his head. All week he was looking forward to some time away from his friends, just himself and his thoughts, alone in a room. The last thing he had planned was going out with them.

Ok, maybe he hasn’t thought this all through. 

As if reading his thoughts, his mother beamed.  
“Ah, perfect! Gabi is coming over later. Can you look after her this evening? We wanted to go see this new movie in town and-”  
“Sure thing mom, don’t worry.” He had looked after his cousin before, it’s not new territory. Also, if she would be here he wouldn’t be alone with his mind. And he was grateful for that. To top it off, he liked Gabi. She was an energetic little bundle, but she was family.  
“Thank you Reiner. And now get up and get the dishes ready, will ya?”  
Without another word of complaint he did just that. Eating together with his mother always  
made him at ease somehow - things weren’t so bad after all, weren’t they? 

That’s right.  
He was just overthinking, like so often. Gabi would take his mind off of things. And on Monday, everything would be just like it always has been between him and Bertholdt. He was sure.  
It just had to be this way.

-

“REINER! YOU’RE CHEATING!!!”  
“Pffff, not my fault you don’t know how to play!” A slap against his thigh made him laugh even more and with a playful stretch he placed himself between her and the TV, denying sight to the game once more. Another slap, this time on his back.  
“Reiner!!” A small body tried to wiggle its way past his chest and the way her head poked through his limbs was almost as funny as her being such a sore loser.  
Hilarious, Reiner thought. Teasing Gabi was way too easy.

The victory sound appeared from the screen and with a big, toothy grin he raised the controller into the air, slapping the air out of Gabis back with one strong hand.  
“Ahahaha- Oh look! I won! Guess you still can’t beat thi- OW!” Reiner just shoved the brown haired head away as teeth tried to sink into his forearm once again and with a playful laugh Gabi parted. Damn it, she really was a bad loser. 

“I hate this game! You only win because you cheat!”  
“Cheating? Me? Is it my fault I am so good at it?”  
“As if! If it weren’t for your stupid body I would beat your ass everytime!”  
“Oh, language Gabi, language!”, he said dramatically, impersonating the voice of his aunt and Gabi's mother. She just stuck his tongue out at him but laughed regardless. 

In the end, he was right.  
Gabi did lighten his mood and took his mind off of things - things like Bertholdt or Marco or anything that came with the two guys inside his mind.  
Also, Reiner loved spending time with her, so it was a win win situation.  
It wasn’t his first time babysitting Gabi and it sure as hell wouldn’t be his last time. He had 3 cousins in total, but Marcel and Porco were almost his age and from different parents than Gabi. She was the only girl in the family right now but that doesn’t stop her from doing all the “Cool boy stuff” (as she liked to call it) with her cousins. Reiner always had the feeling that Gabi and him were especially close - hell, he still remembered her tiny hands once wrapping around his thumb.  
She was growing up way too fast for Reiners taste. 

“Hello? Earth to Reiner? Got some food? I am starving!” Her feet were weakly kicking against his arm as she let herself fall on his bed and Reiner sent her a stern glare.  
“Please.”, she added quickly, sending him a small smile and big round puppy eyes.  
Who was he kidding? As if he could deny her a simple request like that - he really had a weak spot for her. Or for anyone who had helpless, big round eyes, to be honest. Christa, Armin… Ugh. He was sure he would do many things for them if they would just ask. All they needed to do was to look at him helplessly. 

“Well, alright. Let’s see what we got.”  
There was still some leftover food from today but Reiner decided it will be served later, for dinner. Making his way down to the kitchen he grabbed two popsicles and a pack of orange juice, before heading back upstairs. Gabi, still sitting in the same spot, was scrolling through her phone now, food request already forgotten as it seemed. 

Oof. Reiner never would be fond of her sitting so much in front of her phone.  
He got his first device at the age of 11 and even then it should be only used during an emergency. He couldn*t even imagine himself at the tender age of 8, sitting in front of the TV or phone the whole day.  
Not that Gabi wasn’t an outdoor child, no. She loved to play around with her friends or cousins in the woods or the park - but still.  
Maybe he was just too old to understand, Reiner thought. Pha! 

“Catch.” He threw the blue colored popsicle and she did in fact catch it, without hesitation. Hm, so her mind was still present. Couldn’t be that bad after all.  
Tearing the package apart she threw the plastic right onto the floor, which made Reiner clear his throat loudly. He sent her a frown but she just raised her arms in a defensive geture. 

“Don’t worry, I'll pick it up later!” ,she said and started licking her popsicle, eyes glued to the phone again. He sighed and grabbed it himself, shoving her on the other side of his bed to gain some space and placed himself beside her. While unwrapping his own snack, he sneaked over her shoulder.  
“What’re you looking at?”

She shrugged her shoulders at his question, eating her snack in peace and for the moment, Reiner let her be. Some video was playing on her phone via Youtube and, not wanting to be snooping , he leaned bag and closed his eyes, eating his own popsicle in silence. 

And before Reiner knew it, evening was turning into night.  
After the both of them had some heated up leftover dinner, they decided to watch some TV for the rest of the day. It didn’t take long for Gabi to fall asleep and soon, two strong arms were carrying her into the guest room. Putting her on the bed Reiner threw a blanket over her and silently closed the door on his way out, making sure to not wake her up in the process.  
Reiner felt accomplishment. Gabi was fed and asleep and for some funny reason it made him proud of himself. He always liked kids - and they sure as hell liked him. 

A quick glance at the clock and he realised it was a little bit after 11 pm. Not feeling tired enough for bed already, he quickly made his way to his room and grabbed his laptop, making himself comfortable on his bed. Maybe he could watch one or two episodes of that show he was currently binging? Or scroll a bit through his facebook feed? He was still waiting for some new ugly selfie from Jean which, for some stupid reason, always appeared on Friday night. Honestly, either would be fine.

Propping some pillows against the wall he made himself comfortable against them, leaning back and stretching his feet until they were dangling off the bed. Maybe he really needed to ask his mother for a new one soon. He was getting too big for his childhood bed, having had some pretty strong growing spurts in the last years. His mind was thinking about Connie who wasn’t as fortunate as himself or Bertholdt. Hell, even Eren looked manly besides the little, almost bald guy. But, Reiner was optimistic. He was sure the day would come where Connie's body would give the guy some kicks as well, hopefully. 

The air from his laptop ventilation streamed out of said device. Oof, Reiner was sure he needed a new laptop as well. The old thing wouldn’t make it for long anymore. Maybe he could pick up his babysitting game and ask around in the neighbourhood to gather some extra bucks. Or walk some dogs or some shit. Pha, it was September! There were still some laws to be mowed!  
Yeah, that will do. Reiner was sure. 

His eyes scanned the laptop screen which was slowly loading up all his stuff. And after a long, exhausting day with Gabi and the calmness that settled now that she was asleep, Reiner realised his mistake.  
He was alone again.  
Which meant that he had time to think.  
Oh fuck. 

He tried to not wander off. He really did, almost desperately - but he's stupit, teenage brain was racing towards the events of the week and towards Bertholdt. What was his friend doing right now, anyway? Maybe he could shoot him a message. Reiner wasn’t sure if he was still up anyway, so why not try to find out? 

**Reiner**  
_> >Yo, what you up to? Currently watching some netflix after looking after Gabi the whole day. Beat her ass at Mario Kart again today. Hope you’re doing fine man._

Yes, he thought. That would do it.  
Reiner had been acting cold towards Bertholdt the whole week and even if he tried to deny it, he was sure his tall fella felt that something was off. He also knew that Bertholdt was a worrier in every way - the message was some kind of peace offering, a sign that nothing was out of the ordinary in between them. A quick shot at “everything’s alright bro”. 

He placed his phone out of reach and looked back at his laptop. Checking the time again he saw that it was closer to midnight now - Gabi's parents and his mother should be back home soon. 

Gnawing at the bottom of his lips he looked at the door, as if waiting for someone to bolt in at the thought that developed in his mind. But of course it stayed closed and with a few, memorised clicks he opened his go-to porn side, recommended videos already filling his view.  
Honestly, he could blame it on the stress that developed over the week or the tension between him and Bertholdt.  
But his already twitching dick wouldn’t fool anyone - he was a horny teenager after all. He didn’t need excuses to wank it once in a while, did he? 

It didn’t take long for him to gnaw mercilessly at his bottom lip, hand wrapped around the base of his erect cock and pumping furiously up and down. The porn video, which was playing on mute, was already slipping into the background, his mind far too occupied to imagine all kinds of scenarios including a very sexy and very naked childhood friend of his. 

If Bertholdts fingers would be wrapped around his cock just as strong? Reiner couldn’t help but whine inwardly, wishing his friend would be here, delicate slender fingers eagerly touching and pleasuring him just as much as he wanted to give pleasure in return. He wondered how Bertholdts manhood would taste. Wondered if he would be as hard as he was himself right now.  
He picked up his speed, already feeling close. Thinking about small, petite lips around the base of his cock sent him over the edge, imagining shooting his load all over the lean face in his mind.  
Damn, he was really becoming desperate, wasn’t he? 

He quickly cleaned up, turned off the laptop and made himself comfortable in bed. Coming down from his high and shaking the horniness out of his system had finally made him tired enough to get some deserved sleep on his own. Thankfully he didn’t need to be up early tomorrow - which wasn't a problem in the beginning for a morning person like him. 

Grabbing his phone to pluck it into the charger he realised that Bertholdt had replied and with a quick check, he read the message in front of him.  
And again.  
And again. 

**Bertholdt**  
_> >Reiner, I think I’m gay._

He wasn’t tired anymore.  
No way in hell would he be able to go to sleep now.  
The first thing that came to his mind was that he really needed to get over there. He needed to see his friend and for some strange reason the message on his phone silently told him that Bertholdt needed him there as well. But he couldn't. Gabi was still sleeping and he wouldn’t leave her alone in the other room, even if Bertl just lived across the street. So instead, he began typing with shaky fingers. 

**Reiner**  
_> > Can you come over? Can’t leave Gabi here alone. _

And after what felt like an eternity, a light vibration could be felt - looking at the message, Reiners stomach felt like doing all kinds of flip flops. Oh God. Was it happening? Was it happening now?  
Oh god, oh god, oh god. He wasn’t ready for this, was he??

**Bertholdt**  
_> > Be right there._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of laughing and crying. Well, maybe not in that order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello once again and welcome back!  
> A small info beforehand - After talking a bit with my beta reader about it, you might realise this chapter reads a bit different, due to being written in present tense instead of past tense. (I-I think that's what you call it in english? I am sure you know what I mean when reading it)  
> Writing it I realised I enjoy my writing way more this way, so I will slowly update the last chapters into present tense as well. Just a small heads up and a "I hope you can bear with me!"  
> What do you say? I am sure it reads better now but, you know how it is. Your own baby is always the pretties etc- 
> 
> So, without further talking, lets go!

**Bertholdts POV**

He isn’t sure why he wrote that. 

All Bertholdt knows is that his fingers are trembling as he is typing, announcing his arrival so Reiner can unlock the door in front of his face and hush him inside. It takes all of Bertholdts willpower to not just turn around and run back home and as soon as he heard heavy footsteps inside he flinched. What was he thinking earlier? Why is he here now?

His Friday had been looking relatively calm compared to other Fridays. Getting home after school he had late lunch/early dinner with his father and Bertholdt helped him clean himself afterwards, keeping the dishes for tomorrow.  
Afterwards he had dropped into bed, almost eager to get some extra hours of sleep - and sleeping was just what he had done until half an hour ago. Because his body had, for some reason unbeknownst to him, decided to just grant him with one of his fucked up nightmares that had him jolting out of his sleep. It took him minutes to calm his heaving chest and trembling hands down, only to tell himself fuck it all and finally admit Reiner how he felt - well, at least the intro to it. Still not wanting to open up about his true feelings towards him, a step into the right direction isn’t going to hurt.  
Right?

Maybe it is the fact that Reiner had avoided him all week. He is sure the blonde would deny it but even a blind could see that there was, IS something that is bothering his friend and Bertholdt feels like it’s his own fault in a way. As soon as he had seen Marco again after Reiners message, he had pulled the boy aside and told him to chill down a bit and didn’t make a scene over nothing. For some reason Marco had been sulking, but promised to not say anything again - and Bertholdt didn’t need more to finally move on from this terrible week. 

But Reiner was having different plans as it seemed and the whole week he was keeping his distance toward Bertholdt, almost to the point of being ignored. The forced jokes and laughs sounded pathetic in Bertholdts ears and almost made him cringe two or three times. 

So that is the reason why he was standing in front of Reiners door now.  
Right?

Well, Bertholdt isn’t so sure anymore.  
There is the sound of keys against the inside of the door and silently he closes his eyes, praying. He still feels terribly tired after his uneasy rest and for some reason his guts decide to aim for the gold medal in kick flips, doing all kinds of sick stunts inside him. The air moving around him signalised the door being open and Bertholdt cracks his eyes open, lips silently parted. 

He wants to say something, anything, even a lame “hey” would do. But all his cautious body could do was stay there, opening and closing his mouth like a fish on dry land and begging whatever god there may be that he was still dreaming and this was all part of his nightmare.

But the struggle of What now is soon gone as two strong arms pull him inside and after Reiner closes the door again Bertholdt finds himself in a big, crushing hug.  
“Hey, easy there. It’s alright, no need to cry.”  
Crying? Wha- Oh.  
He is crying.  
When did the tears start to fall down? Unsure of what to do or say he chokes down a sob and buries his face in Reiners shoulder, leaning down, the upcoming neck pain from the height difference forgotten for now. 

Time is not important at this moment and Bertholdt isn’t sure how long Reiner sways him from one side to another. Shakingly he lifts his arms and wraps them around Reiner, mimicking his motion and looking for comfort in the touch. 

He doesn’t know why he is crying, nor when the tears even started to flow down his cheeks.  
But what he does know for sure is, that it hurts.  
It hurts a lot.

Maybe it is the fear of rejection, that still picks at him deep down from the inside? Or the fear of change his mind always seemed to hold onto? It could be the overall situation called his life, the stress over his father and all the anger, frustration and sadness that he always buried deep down inside of him.  
Well, whatever it is, it isn’t important right now.  
Reine is there and holds him with his two strong arms. 

And for some reason, that makes everything quite all right on its own. 

Bertholdt wants to stay in the position as long as he can. Reiners heart is beating heavily against his own and the embrace is slowly calming him, tears stopping and cheeks burning dryly. It felt like an eternity is passing as he feels the hands disappearing from his back and slowly shoving him away.  
Reiner is looking up at him now and ashamed Bertholdt gnaws at his bottom lip, glancing sideways first. But after feeling Reiners gentle fingers against his cheeks he sniffles, one last time, and he takes in the face in front of him. The blonde is looking up, worry written all over him but the smile on his face is dripping off reassurance, screaming that it will all be alright.  
“Better?”, he asks and all Bertholdt can do is nod. 

He is feeling better, even if only a little.  
Earlier fears developing from his nightmare and the sudden regret over his written message were now paired up with the ungodly feeling of not knowing what Reiner was thinking of him now. It feels terrible, all combined at once - but Bertholdt stands strong. Head ducked low, cheeks bright red from crying but still strong. 

“C-Can we go upstairs?”, he finally asks, suddenly being hyper aware of his surroundings. He feels insecure all of a sudden, and out in the big, open living room it feels like Reiner was putting him on display for everyone to see. Nodding in understandment, Reiner is grabbing his arm and silently pushing him towards the stairs.  
“Just try to be silent, ok? Gabi and all, you know?” 

Sitting on Reiners bed he pulls his legs against his chest, wrapps his own arms around them and places his chin against his knees. He likes this position, often finding himself in it on his own bed when watching movies or reading a book. Sitting like this gives him the feeling of being smaller than he is - something he desperately wishes for sometimes.  
Speaking of bedrooms, is that a lovelvy, blank spot on Reiners wall? For some reason it really looks interesting all of a sudden. His gaze is fixating on it and Bertholdt tries to avoid being the first one to talk.  
Why is he here again?  
Ah, right.  
Because he has no chill when it comes to Reiner. 

And so it is up to his hunk of a friend, once again, to lead the conversation on. Bertholdt hears him clear his throat but doesn’t dare to move his gaze off the wall. Gnawing at the inside of his mouth, his fingers dig into his thighs, trying to get a grip.  
Is he really ready for this conversation?  
He fears the answer is a big, fat bold no written in neon red. 

“Ehm, you know it’s alright, don’t you?”  
If he listens carefully enough, Bertholdt can hear the doubt in Reiners voice. For some reason, it makes him feel even more guilty but he nods regardless. His friend just hums.  
Of course he knows its ok to be gay. Ha. Especially at this time and date. But it also wasn’t the thing he was worried about, Bertholdt thinks bitterly and sneaks a glance at his blonde friend. You are the reason.  
“Well, that’s good, that’s good..” God, Bertholdt feels pathetic.  
Reiner probably thinks he’s a pussy now, doesn’t he? First he drops such a bomb out of the blue only to come running at him and cry like the baby he was. And now? Now he doesn’t even have the balls to confront him about it, putting Reiner in his own kind of misery. I am sorry, he thinks. I am sorry for being this weak. 

Why is he here again?  
And why is the question living rent-free in his head?  
He really shouldn’t have done this, but for some odd reason he searches for Reiners reinsurance almost instinctively. His whole life it always had been the blonde that steadied him, was his anchor frozen in time. Every single damn person Bertholdt ever cared for either left him or seemed to be soon leaving him, but Reiner is always there. Had always been a constant.  
Even now, as he feels more pathetic and smaller than ever in his life, Reiner is there with no judgment displaying in his eyes. 

“You know you don’t have to talk about it, but… heh, but it would be easier if you would actually tell me why you’re worrying so much. I am sure you aren’t that worried about the actual fact of being… you know, gay?”  
Bertholdt flinches once more this night and while burying his face inside his knees, his head signals no. Of course Reiner hits the nail right on the head, but he sure as hell isn’t ready to cross the next line over with such ease as the last.  
Words begin to form on his tongue, but none of which were actually spoken.

Reiner hums again beside him and for a moment there is nothing. The bed shifting beside him and the blankets rustling signalise him that Reiner is sitting down next to him. An arm wraps itself around him and if he actually had looked at Reiner, he would’ve seen the tremble in the blondes lips or the worry on his face.

“It’s… I- I don’t even know why I wrote that, Reiner…No, like, I know why, but-” His voice is hoarse from all the crying earlier and he can feel the lump forming in his throat. Ignoring it, Reiner tries to edge him on with a squeeze to his shoulder.  
“I mean I am happy it's out. O-out as in, I told you. As my best friend and all. B-but I don’t know.” He sighs heavily, burying his head even deeper into his knees. “I am sorry, I have no idea what the hell I am talking about.”  
At least something that is true, he thinks. 

Half of him wants to scream into Reiners face how much he likes him, how much he wants to touch and treasure him and that Reiner means the world to him.  
The other half is just cowarldy ducking away, trying to get his body out of this situation and mind already being at home under the safe haven of his blanket. 

“It’s ok. Just don’t push yourself, yes? You can talk whenever you feel ready.” He feels the heavy hand on his shoulder slipping on his back and for a moment Reiner just held it there. After a while he begins gently stroking small circles over it and the smooth motion calms Bertholdt heartbeat down a bit. He gnaws at his lip again, peeking up between his knees.  
“Thank you.”, He whispers and even manages to send him a small smile. He truly has the best friend on the whole fucking world. 

Silence settles over the room, but it was ok. It wasn’t an uneasy one like before when he was fixated on some spot in the room - this time it was reassuring and held no pressure. Reiner, still moving his hand over his back, has closed his eyes and after a while Bertholdt fears he fell asleep as the hand stopped. Suddenly, Reiner said:  
“Would you feel better if I told you I was gay too?” 

An unsure laugh escapes him and he shakes his head no. Dont play with me, he wants to say as Reiner continus, oblivious to Bertholdts unease. “N-No, I mean it.” The words peak Bertholdts interest and he looks up again, this time raising his head enough to come into full view with Reiners. It is the blondes turn to gaze sideways, but he still pulls through with what he began. His voice is trembling, but the words are spoken with confidence. “I am gay too, actually.” 

Silence again.  
Ah, as much as Bertholdt finds peace and comfort in silence, he hates it more than anything else in this moment. But his mind betrays him once more - what is he supposed to say? Scanning his head frantically for an answer, it is Reiner who laughs at his own words, surprising Bertholdt once again this night.  
“See?”, he says and even if he looks more confident this time, Bertholdt still sees the slight fear as if reflecting his own gaze. “It’s not that bad, isn’t it? Phew, I really was looking for the right moment to tell you, but I guess you did me a favour there.” 

Bertholdt is speechless.  
Is Reiner serious??  
It baffles him. There he is, having worried for almost 3 months how to tell his best friend in the world that he was actually very much into guys and not those big busty girls you find on every main page of porn sides - only to learn that his childhood friend himself seems to be super gay.  
What is this? Some kind of gay Indian Bollywood Movie? Will this be the moment the camera will change angles 4 times in a row with flashy lights and dramatic music, zooming in and out on their faces? Bertholdt snorts and Reiner does as well - and soon after they both find themselves laughing almost maniacally. 

He really worries too much, huh?

“We are dumb, aren’t we?”, Reiner laughs and claps Bertholdts back gently with his bare hand. The taller boy just mimics the action and nods his head frantically.  
“I always knew we were, but- but this tops everything, doesn't it?”  
“It does! Jesus, to think I worried so hard about this! I was googling coming out puns, Bertl. Coming out puns!” They both lose it at that and Bertholdt feels himself falling forward, clutching his stomach in tears. 

He feels good.  
He feels as good as he hasn’t had in a long time apparently.  
Relief is washing all over him and as he is laughing beside Reiner, all he can think of is how to kick his past self in the head the best way. Of course his problems aren’t suddenly vanishing. He still has a very sick father at home and a very dead mother coupled with all his other shit - but right now all that crap isn’t important.  
Reiner is laughing and he is laughing and both of their arms are brushing against each other as their bodies hum and oh god does it feel good to touch him.  
The urge to kiss Reiner is so strong all of a sudden, Bertholdt is gasping from the sudden rush in his body. 

Calming down, the last chuckles are fading out and with two big grins they look at each other. It is as if the whole tension of the week has been washing off of them with one, swift move, clearing the view for both of them again.  
Nothing is coming between them, right?  
Hasn’t it always been like this? 

And as if reading his mind, Reiner is raising his voice and jokingly pinching Bertholdts side like he does so often.  
“Everything good now?”  
Bertholdt nods. “Everything good.” And with a smile he pinches Reiner just like he did, but with much more force. After all the blonde has a bigger layer of protection over his muscled body, hasn’t he? “And will you finally stop avoiding me at school? Your jokes have been even more terrible than usual.” 

It gets a flinch out of Reiner and, as if being caught by his parents, he ducks his head away in embarrassment, one hand scratching the back of his neck.  
“W-Was it that obvious? Huh, sorry.” Bertholdt just shakes his head.  
“It’s ok. Just… stop, ok? Everythings good between us and… and you can stop looking at Marco as if he is a predator or something.” His voice grows silent towards the end, but there is still a teasing tone in it. Another nerve is hit and Reiners squirms under his gaze.  
“I still feel like you haven’t told me everything about that.”  
Bertholdt just laughs and shrugs, feeling so light and happy and warm all of a sudden that the kiss with Marco seemed like the smallest thing in the history of things to him. 

Reiner is gay and so is he and for some reason his two hormonal braincells want to put one plus one together so eagerly. They are both gay, they are both attractive (at least Reiner sure as hell is) and they know each other for years now.  
So why not take the next step?  
Why not kiss him right there and now? 

Ah, yes.  
Because Bertholdt still is a big, fat coward.  
What is he even thinking? Because Reiner is gay, he would automatically see Bertholdt as a potential partner? Why? Because he has a dick?  
Pathetic, Bertholdt. He is pathetic. 

But, not wanting to ruin his good mood, he decides to be honest with Reiner so he can finally drop the topic all together.  
“I was making out with him at the party earlier this summer. You know the one were you puked-”  
“All over Zekes car, got that.” Bertholdt chuckles.  
“Yeah, that one. He- Uhm, I can’t tell you why we made out because I kind of promised to not tell anyone, but we did it only once. That was it. I never saw more in it or anything else.” And as an afterthought he adds. “B-But I guess it was the moment where I was sure that I liked guys.”  
Reiner hums and for a moment he looks deep in thought. It makes Bertholdt feel uncomfortable. What if it isn’t ok? What if Reiner in fact is very bothered by it? 

But his worry is erased as soon as Reiner nods and sends him a small smile.  
“Sorry for forcing myself onto you like that about it. I knew something was up, and it bothered me to now end - but it still wasn’t my right to just… well, force it out, you know?”  
“It's ok.” And he means it.  
“But thanks for telling me anyway. It means a lot.” And with that, the topic seems to be off the table. It feels a bit anticlimactic but Berthold is still feeling the relief washing over him regardless. 

He is an uncomplicated person. The easy way is the good way for him. 

Sudden noise downstairs slaps both of them out of their little, fuzzy bubble and Bertholdt sends Reiner a look. He just shrugs.  
“Probably my mother and my uncle and aunt. They were out for a movie, that’s why Gabi is over.”  
“Ah, I see. Shall I go?”, he asks and Reiner instantly shakes his head.  
“No. I mean, you can if you want to,but.. but you don’t have to. Make yourself at home, I’ll be right back.”  
And with one last friendly slap on the back Reiner stands up and makes his way out of the room, probably downstairs to greet the homecoming people. 

And finally, after having room for his own thoughts for just a second, Bertholdt is able to properly lose it inside. 

Reiner is gay.  
Gay. Gay, gay, GAY!!!  
He is gay and Bertholdt is gay and, oh god, Bertholdt’s feelings for him are burning in his young little heart as he replayed the conversation they just had. AH!  
What is he going to do? Should he say something? Anything? Were the cards on his side tonight? Maybe he is on a lucky streak and should use it as long as it is up?  
No, he can’t!  
If he will ruin the mood now, Bertholdt will never be able to forgive himself.  
But still…. his mind desperately wants to edge him on, to just say something small, maybe a little hint, a little drop or slip of words… Argh.  
What to do, what to do-

After all, Reiner is back faster than Bertholdt can think. He was closing the door behind him and for a moment stood in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do or say next. Bertholdt finds himself gnawing at his lip once again and for some reason it surprised him that it hasn’t sprung open from all the biting it endured tonight.  
Silence fills the room again and after what feels like minutes, both of them start to raise their voice at the same time, interrupting each other doing so.  
They share a shy smile and back to silence it was. 

No, Bertholdt thinks. He can’t say something. Not right now, not like this.  
It was still new territory and he isn’t sure he wants to make a dive into it tonight, head first. So he clears his throat, stands up and glances towards the door.  
“I think I should go anyway.”, he speaks and for a moment he thinks Reiners face drops. “Have to get up early and stuff.”  
“Alright.”

After finding himself at Reiners door again he takes a moment to look at his friend, sending him a small smile.  
“Thanks again for tonight, Reiner.”, he says and with more shyness, adding: “I-I really feel better after telling you.” And after realising this could actually become a thing, he thinks. Reiner nods and sends him a smile of his own.  
“No problem big dude. See ya soon?”  
“See ya soon.” 

And with that he turns around and almost runs back home, heart racing and mind elsewhere, deep in thought. All he couldn think of for the rest of the night is Reiner.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secret for a Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maaan its a shame. This one took quite a while due to me actually getting some sort of promotion at work. Everythings a bit more time consuming right now but I hope it settles into some sort of routine soon again!!  
> What a shame. Its Reibert Week tooo aaaah. I really want to participate, maybe Ill get some things done soon. 
> 
> ANYWAY, here is the next chapter!!!  
> Thanks again for beta reading, Honey!

**Reiners POV**

A soft grunt leaves his lips as Reiner flops over, stomach pressing against the soft mattress and legs dangling away from his body. The morning sun was shining brightly into his rooms, and Reiner remembers that he never bothers to pull the curtains and block it out. He likes the sun, likes the warmth of it and always loves to wake up early and start the day in a usual good mood, facing it with a smile.  
Today is no different - but at the same time it is, in some way. 

Reiner feels great.  
He feels like the champ of the world, like he could take on every challenge life throws at him right now - and the only reason for that is his friend and secret-but-not-so-subtle crush Bertholdt.  
His super attractive and, apparently, super GAY friend Bertholdt.  
He grins at that.

Reiner isn’t sure what he did in his past life to deserve this chance, but he is sure to not let it slip away. He remembers the night before. His heart had been beating so fast he was scared it would jump right out of his chest right then and there. He remembers how he wanted to ask Bertholdt out right on the spot just to be interrupted by the brown haired himself, declaring to go home. Damn, Reiner thinks. He has been so close to reaching his goal. It was within reach and-  
Whatever. 

The newly gained knowledge will be put to use, he thinks. He just has to find the right time and place for it. He isn’t a big romantic but Reiner was sure he could swoop one or two hearts away if he just tries. He is good looking, he thinks and as he turns around again in his bed he looks over to his nightstand, phone blinking innocently with new messages. He closes his eyes once more, enjoying the sunshines on his face for a moment longer. It seems to be a beautiful early September day and Reiners body is already screaming with anticipation. 

He is pumped.  
His brain replays yesterday's conversation up and down and once again his chest starts to beat above the pressure of his heart. He always hated it to see his friend cry and he didn’t hesitate to put his arms around him, shamelessly using the opportunity to hold Berthold as close as possible. Of course his mind was set on making him feel better, to dry the tears and stuff, but if he was already at it he could at least grab some more sneaky grabs here and there, couldn’t he? 

Thankfully Bertholdts sadness didn’t last for long - and in a wave of companionship he even declared his own sexual preference to the man. Thinking back on it, Reiner felt relief washing all over his body and with a blissful grunt he heaves himself off the mattress, blinking as the sun rays hit him directly in the eye. 

His mind wanders back to yesterday and to Marco. Ah, yes, Marco. Damn, never in his life before has he felt the desire to switch places with the freckled boy but for some well known reason to him he suddenly wants nothing more. The boy had kissed Bertholdt - Something Reiner desperately wants to do too. He can’t count the times, how often he had imagined it. 

But enough of that.  
Bertholdt had assured him that there isn’t more between him and Marco and that is enough for Reiner. After all he isn’t the overly jealous type to begin with. (Not that he has had many chances to actually BE jealous of anyone). He is just a little overprotective when it came to his big fat crybaby of a friend.  
Back to the plan, he thinks. 

Well, first of all there needs to be a plan. He isn’t sure how he should approach the topic but… damn. Now that he is sure about Bertholdt being into guys, he really, REALLY, wants to be.. well, Bertholdts guy.  
He scratches his neck and with one last grunt swings his legs over the edge and stretches his arms into the air. His neck crackles satisfyingly and, fishing for his phone, he yawns. 

There are a few messages from a group chat he shares with some of the football guys and after skipping through some uninteresting beef between Eren and Jean he places the device on the side again, not able to give any less care.  
The two of them should really get a room and either fuck it out or kill each other already.

-

“So, tell me how was it?”  
“Huh? How was what?”

With the excitement and giddiness only a teenager can hold, Reiner beamed up onto the bed, Bertholdt sitting on top of it with his feet dragged close to his chest. The blonde is sitting on the floor in front of it, hands pressing into the worn out carpet and eyes fixing the target in front of him. With more meaning behind his words, he repeats.

“How was it? Kissing a guy and all?” 

Ah, smooth Reiner. First thing off the list - make Bertholdt a little uncomfortable. 

After lunch he had shot Bertholdt a message and announced he would be coming over, leaving the taller one no room for protest at all. As far as Reiner knows his friend, he wouldn't have protested much anyway - Bertholdt is a people pleaser after all.  
And now, with Reiner sitting in front of him and shooting sharp glances up and over his body, the blonde has him cornered.  
The question of sexuality is out of the way.  
Now it's his time to act - and looking up at the blushing cheeks on Bertholdts face he is getting somewhere, apparently. 

“Uuuuh.” Delightful. Reiner loves to watch him squirm like this, hands wrapped tight around his knees. “I don’t know?”  
“Wow. Must’ve been a bomb kiss then.” Reiner chuckles and a small whine escapes his friend.  
“Reineeeer.”  
“Just saying. And now tell me.”  
“Do I have to?”

It almost sounds like a plea but Reiner insists. They have been friends since forever, there isn’t anything they can’t share with each other - at least that’s what he hopes for.  
Also, he is curious.  
Really fucking curious. Yesterday, there wasn’t much room to talk about it in more detail - but today, in the open daylight and out in the open, that’s another story.  
And so he nods. Maybe a little too enthusiastic, but who cares? 

“Ugh.”  
“Come oooon. I am desperate, please. I am dying out of curiosity.”  
“It’s not like you never kissed someone before.”  
“But I never kissed a guy, duh?” Reiner states, making it look like the most obvious thing in the world. Finally, a sigh of defeat left Bertholdts lips and he shrugs his shoulders. The blonde grins.  
“It was… disgusting.” And, after seeing Reiners confused look he fastly adds. “I-I mean the kiss in itself. I… don’t know? I mean he was crying the whole time and tasted like alcohol and, uh… He had just thrown up too, so I guess… I don’t know.”  
“Huh, is that so.” Reiner muses, gripping his chin thoughtfully between his fingers. 

Now is the perfect time. He just needs to lean a bit closer, maybe duck his head a bit shy and ask him if he could show him how it would feel. It would be the perfect opportunity, Reiner is sure!! Maybe he could throw a smooth and cheesy pick up line in between, oblivious as Bertholdt is he wouldn’t even get it.  
Come on, Braun, do it! Don’t be a pussy! 

“So you-” “Want to watch something?” 

They both blurt out at the same time and once again Reiner bits the inside of his mouth. Damn it! He can feel his cheeks burning instantly and ducks his face, wanting to hide the shame.  
Mission abort, Mission abort!  
He settles for a quick cough as neither of them says anything and only then Reiner realises he has been asked a question. Nodding, he scoops up to his feet, looking for Bertholdts Laptop. 

Fucks sake, why is he so embarrassed? Shit happened and he was still burning brightly under his skin.  
For some reason he suddenly can’t even imagine what he would’ve done if Bertholdt really had kissed him. W-Was he even ready for that?  
Shit. He really needs a new plan and overthink strategy. 

It doesn’t take long for him to grab Bertholdts Laptop and settle beside him, plugging it in on the way to the bed. As the mattress dips with his weight, he could feel Bertholdt move.  
Huh?? Did he just scoop away from him??  
Oh no, no, no! This isn’t how this should be going at all!! Come back here, please!  
But his inner pleading went unheard and with a tiny frown he shoved the thing in between them, damning the device for creating such a barricade. And here Reiner thought he could come over and smoothly grab his friend by the waist to molest his lips with his. 

He should know better. After all, this is still his friend. It’s Bertholdt.  
And as far as Reiner knows his tall bro, he isn’t one to just randomly start to make out with anyone just because they magically appear to be gay. 

It’s almost sad, Reiner thinks.  
They haven’t talked about much since Reiner made himself comfortable in his room and for some reason it bothers him. He had thought that coming out would change something, would open doors to something new and untouched. And despite having increased chances now, he feels like nothing happened at all.  
As if the whole thing yesterday had just been like any other day. 

It frustrates him but maybe it is for the better. It could’ve been sooo much worse, huh?  
At least he tries to tell himself that as he watches Bertholdt looking for some movie to watch. Maybe this is it? Maybe that’s far as it will go between them.  
Maybe it was enough. 

And maybe, just maybe Reiner is overthinking this again and should just lean back and watch the damn movie with his friend.  
After all, it was something he is good at. Spending time with his friend and enjoying each other's company. 

-

Warm. It is so damn warm and for some reason it’s the first reason Reiner thinks of as he slowly blinks his eyes awake. Huh? Had he fallen asleep? For a few, unfocused seconds he just bask in the after-nap feels, slowly dragging his body upwards and- oh is that drool? Whoops. Must’ve been a good nap.  
Trying to focus he stifles a yawn and blinks up. The movie is still playing in front of them and for some reason Reiner dozed off on Bertholdts shoulder.  
That in itself, is nothing new. It happened more often than Reiner wanted to admit. 

His eyes scan for Bertholdts face and he realises that he is still focused on the movie. How long has it been running? How late is it?  
Well, unimportant questions right now, because nothing is more interesting than being this close to his friends heartbeat. Bertholdt had a hand wrapped around Reiners shoulder, something that isn’t new either. He probably had been crushing his arm under his weight and the tall one probably wriggled it free, placing it in the most comfortable position which just happened to be Reiners shoulder. That must be it. 

And still… in the dim light filtering in through the window beside them, he looks beautiful. Reiner realises that he has pretty lashes. They are long and thick and with every tired blink coming from his eyes they flutter against his brows. Eyes that are just as beautiful, Reiner thinks.  
Eyes that are slowly looking down at him, right into his own.  
Ooooh. That makes his heart flutter. A good feeling, he thinks. More of it, please. 

“You missed the whole movie.”, Bertholdt whispers but there isn’t a real threat in it. His low, gentle voice sends goosebumps down Reiners body and it seems like his friend notices. “Cold?”  
Reiner shakes his head, closing his eyes again and leaning back onto the shoulder he drooled on before. “No.” His voice sounds sleepy, almost husky.  
Huh, it really has been a good nap.  
“Still tired?” Another whisper and Reiner just grumbles against his shirt, rubbing his nose along it. 

Maybe he could-?  
He could.

Silently he takes a tiny sniff, being flooded by the strange and yet familiar scent he came to know over the years. It’s not like he doesn’t know how his friend smells, it was more a matter of fact of enjoying the sensation deliberately.  
He smelled like sweat, his axe shampoo mostly. For some reason it also screams masculinity but Reiner isn’t surprised about it. After all he is… well, a man. 

It makes it so much more attractive, the simple gesture almost turning into something else. But the blonde isn’t dumb and after another fake yawn he settles for another round of sleep. He still feels drowsy from just waking up and with the warmth combined with the room and Bertholdts heat it looks rather easy to fall asleep again.  
Also, for some reason, Bertholdts fingers have started to ghost over the exposed flesh just below the sleeves of his shirt - which sends another bolt through his body. Is he doing this intentional? 

Well whatever. Who cares. It felt nice and Reiner is the last person who will be complaining.  
And so he just sighs, content with the situation, and shifts his weight a bit to the side so as to not crush him entirely.  
“‘like that.”, he mumbles. His hands are resting innocently on Bertholdts hip and he could feel his fingers stopping for a second there. Squirming in protest he hears Bertholdt chuckle and soon the motion continues.  
“Me too.” He simply hears, which makes Reiner smile. 

Maybe taking it slow is also nice, because this definitely doesn’t feel wrong at all.  
This, and his heart feels like exploding in his chest.  
It doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep again.

-

This time waking up isn't quite as comfortable as the first time. Reiner groans, feeling drowsy and disoriented, a heavy head and a dull pain in his spine. Slowly realising it was the position that was straining his back he groans again and shifts his body. Realising that, once again, he was leaning against Bertholdts shoulder he pushes himself away, hands heavy. The room was dark now.

Bertholdts laptop was sitting innocently on his pillows now, closed and no movie playing. The sun of the day has been gone and it’s thanks to the street lights outside that Reiner can make something out in the room. Jesus, did they sleep the whole afternoon? What time is it anyway? 

Rubbing his hands over his face Reiner sends a look over to his friend. Sleeping now as well, he is leaning against the wall, hands limb on either side of his body and legs stretching out in front of him. It looks unconfortable as fuck and as on cue Reiners back aches once more. Ugh. They really are two lazy ass pieces. 

For a moment Reiner considers to just go home and not wake Bertholdt up but he knows that the tall guy hates sleeping with his day clothes on. It was a little tick of his but he always insists to at least put on another shirt. He likes feeling fresh, as he once called it.  
“Hey Bertl, wake up.” He shoves a finger into the other side, not caring to be tactful. But in Bertholdts case it is needed anyway - once asleep he could be a phenomenal heavy sleeper. 

Fortunately, Reiner doesn’t have to bother him for long. He pokes and twists his fingers a few times until he can see a wrinkle appear around the big nose. A smile spreads across the blondes lips and he sits back, rubbing his own sleep out of his heavy eyelids.  
“Uuuuuagh. Reiner-?” Bertholdts voice cracked and Reiner thinks it's the sexiest thing he ever heard.  
“No, Santa.”, he jokes and receives a tired mocking glare.  
All he receives is a confused glare and Reiner laughs throaty. Back to morning-Bertl he guesses. 

Nobody says anything for a moment and both just try to gather enough energy to call themselves awake to some extent. It was Bertholdt who sighs first.  
“How late?”  
“Shit, don’t know.” Reiner scoots over the bed and opens the laptop a bit - thankfully it was still turned on. “Half past nine.”  
“Jesus…”  
“Well, guess so. We slept the whole day, ha!” With satisfaction he listens to the crack of his jolts as he stretches his arms over his head, neck swinging from side to side. Bertholdt just rubs his eyes, legs slowly drawing closer and scooting up in his usual position. 

“Your fault.”, he says and yawns, resting his forehead on his knees. His next words were muffled due to the fabric in the way. “Wasn’t much I could do with you pinning me down.”  
The silent innuendo makes Reiners throat dry and he swallows loudly. A blush creeps up his cheeks and he scratches the back of his neck.  
“H-Haha, yeah sorry ‘bout that. Guess I was still tired from yesterday.” 

It was the first time today that someone mentions the existence of the day before and Reiner wishes he could take the words back. Bertholdt tenses, only for a brief moment, but Reiner recognizes it nonetheless. He scoots a bit closer, resting a hand on Bertholdt's knee.  
“Are you still worried about it?”, he asks, carefully. Not that he wants to upset his friend again, now that the topic actually seems of the table. Thankfully, the taller boy shakes his head no.  
“I am relieved, actually. And tired.” He yawns again and Reiner chuckles at that. It has been one of those naps that lets you wake up even more tired than you were before. 

“Tell me a secret.”, he says and he isn’t even sure why he said it. Maybe to keep the conversation going or to just shoo away the silence.  
“Impossible.”, Bertholdt says. “You know everything about me.” 

For some reason it moves Reiner and a deep feeling of pride settles within himself. Damn right, you hear this world? That is my best friend right there!  
But he still wants to dig further, just loving to hear Bertholdts voice no matter what comes out of his mouth. 

“Bullshit. Everyone has secrets. There sure are things I don’t know.”  
“Of course.”, his friend says and Reiner is surprised at how fast he counters. “But you don’t know them for a reason.”  
“N-Not fair, hey!”  
All he got for that was a tongue sticking out and that seems to be all from Bertholdt. Reiner doesn’t want to drop it as fast and, in a last half desperate, half joking attempt, he says: “Pleeeease? Just one?” Come on Braun, give him your best puppy face! 

There is a long, very long moment of silence where they just stare at each other.  
Bertholdts ashen green eyes scan him and Reiner almost feels like his golden ones can't hold the gaze. But, after almost burning down under the intense stare, Bertholdt shakes his head.  
“Later maybe. Not today.”  
Damn. He knows Bertholdt was close to spilling something right there but Reiner doesn’t want to push it further. Also, he really should be going even though it is the last thing he wants to do. 

“Well, I guess I head back home then?” Why does he say it like a question? Stupid Reiner.  
“Yeah, I guess.”, Bertholdt says and for a second he looks sad. But before Reiner can even protest he claps his hands onto the mattress and shifts up, waiting for Reiner to gather his things. 

Only on the way home does Reiner realize how heavy his heart was beating again - and as his phone buzzes, deep down in his pocket, he almost has a heart attack. 

**Bertholdt**  
_> > One secret for another secret - I like it when you sleep on my shoulder._

If Reiners heart has been beating fast till now, it looks like it is going to spring right out of his chest right there. If not for the cold late September air around him, he would burn down right on the spot. He thinks about replying for a moment and what he should even say to that. After sending the message away, he feels like a little child sneaking around the house late at night. Giddy and excited. 

**Reiner**  
_> >And I like to fall asleep on your shoulder._


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch time chaos and an angry turtle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and good evening!  
> Hope you guys are all doing well. Reibert week is over and I am so sad I didn't have the time to write something for it (Not that I can do it later on which i definitely want to do but ya know how it is). So many great fics and pics, damn. 
> 
> Anyway, here we go again with a new chapter.   
> As always I hope you enjoy it as much as I did when writing it - and once again thanks to Jeskah for beta reading and bearing with my Reibert obsession-talks.

**Bertholdts POV**

“How was your weekend?”  
With a soft “clunk” he closes his locker door and looks to the side, eyeing Armin who just walked up to him. A small huff leaves his lips and he actually grins - something he doesn’t do too often.  
“Believe it or not, it was actually great.” 

Great is an understatement.  
His weekend has been fucking perfect. To be exact, the last two days have been so nice that he momentarily forgot about all the other bullshit going on in his life. It is a liberating feeling to fall into bed and fall asleep without tossing around from side to side for hours, trying to aim for that sweet, dark abyss.  
Well, he still has woken up in the middle of the night once today, clock showing 1 am. But it has actually been pretty tame in comparison to what he usually dreamed off - and it didn’t take him as long as usual to fall back to sleep again. It was the nicest night he had for months and for his standards he feels as if he actually slept the night through.

He feels rested, happy and even a bit giddy. Plus, the knot in his stomach that has been growing since the beginning of summer has finally dissolved into something else - Something, he couldn't quite name yet.  
But whatever it is, it sure as hell doesn’t drag him down as much as before. He feels like he can finally breathe again, the suffocating feeling gone.

“Huh? Did anything special happen?” Armin is offering him one of his timid, but honest, smiles and Bertholdt shakes his head. He is nowhere near close to the blond as to tell him what exactly put him in the good mood. Well, looking at it that way no one is with the exception of the person who is at fault for his mood. 

Maybe he can tell Pieck.  
If she asks nicely and maybe helps him download some more of the not so legal looking Sims Mods. 

But for now he wants to bask in the unusual, uplifting mood that he isn’t used to. When has been the last time he smiled at people like this? Actually **beamed?**  
“Not really. Just had a nice weekend.”, he says and, before Armin could ask anything else added: “What about you?”  
“Ah, nothing out of the ordinary. Eren and Mika-” 

Armin starts to happily talk about whatever he and his two friends have been up to during the weekend and Bertholdt nods, adding the occasional “Ahs” and “Ohs.”. It’s not that he isn’t interested in Armins life but… well, ok. Maybe he isn’t that invested in the shorter once personal stuff.

Not like the two are best buds. Bertholdt likes his intellect and he is usually one of the only people he can talk about some not so popular books with, even going as far as to recommend some to each other. But that’s about it. That and the few shared classes they have with each other. 

Thankfully the clock put a fast end to the conversation and with a friendly smile Armin waves Bertholdt goodbye. He doesn’t return it and settles for a short nod instead, turning around and heading towards his class.  
He is happy.  
It feels like such a simple feeling all of a sudden. Light. Exciting, yet calming.  
He can't recall when the last time had been he felt this way.

-

“-And then he realised that Connie had been given the pens and- Oh hey Bertholdt! Reiner! How are y- Ooooh are you going to eat your donut?!?”  
Almost on cue Sashas hand shot towards his undefended tray he is holding and thankfully Reiner is a quick thinker. He swats the hand away and shakes his head in disspleasure.  
“How often do I have to tell you to stop touching other peoples food. Don’t you have your own?”  
“Well duh, but as you can see it’s already gone." She states as if it was the most logical thing on earth. The eager expression on her face returns and Bertholdt can feel her eyes fixing him. "Say Bertholdt, can I have it? Pretty pretty please? Huh, huh?”  
“A-Actually I would prefer eating it myself.” There's a shy expression on his face as if it is wrong to deny other people his own food and he ducks his head shamefully. Sasha just groans but drops the subject afterwards and returns to her conversation with Connie and Jean. 

Reiner pats him on the shoulder as they both sit down, deciding to join their friends during lunch. It’s a small touch, one that says _“I am proud you sticked up”_ because Bertholdt knows that Reiner knows that he isn’t really one to complain or talk back. Also, Sasha can be pretty persistent when it comes to food.  
Still.  
He really wants that donut! His sweet tooth already ached when he looked at the meal plan for today, earlier. Actually feeling a bit proud of himself for defending his food from the glutonous classmate he pulls his tray infront of him.

While starting to pick up the various veggies that came with the chicken stripes, he eyes the table out of the corner of his eyes. There are Sasha and Connie, sitting in front of him, babbling about whatever nonsense they always talk about. Reinersits to his right, eating his own food and Bertholdt can see him peaking over at him from time to time. It somehow makes him uncomfortable, but in a good-bad kind of way. He likes to gets Reiners attention for himself, but the sneaky glances were emberassing him. He turns his attention back to the people around him. Jean is there too and beside him Marco. His eyes meet the freckled ones for a split second, both sending each other a polite smile. He's happy that they figured out whatever little thing there has been and-

“S-Say Bertholdt, you like it?”  
He blinks dumbfounded and breaks eye contact with Marco, looking at Reiner.  
“Huh?”, he asks, chickenstrip still in his mouth.  
“The food. Does it taste good?”  
He blinks once more.  
“Huh??” 

It took him a moment to realise what Reiner actually wants from him. The food? School food? Did Reiner seriously just ask him that? Why? He never does? Everyone know it was ok-ish. Isn't Reiner eating the same thing as him? Wouldn't he know?  
Slowly he looks back at his plate and… shrugs?  
“I-I guess? Yeah?” He is so confused. The blonde just laughs awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck, almost ducking his face into his plate as he bows forward. It looks like as if he realised how strange the question sounds and is now trying to avoid further interaction.  
“G-Good, haha! I think so too. I mean, that it tastes good and, so. Ha.” 

?  
He wonders if the question mark can actually be seen on his face or if he just feels like it was written all over it.

Bertholdt realises that the table has gone silent and just looks at Reiner as if he has lost his mind. If it weren't for his good mood he would actually be worried about his friend.  
“Dude, what the fuck? You ok? That was like the cringiest shit you ever pulled.” It is Jean who asks and Bertholdt can actually see Reiners cheeks turning red from the corner of his eyes.

Oh shit.  
That actually looks **cute.**  
As cute as a big, meaty hunk of a football guy can look.  
How much that is? The answer would surprise you.

“Shut up”, is all the blond retorts and, after gaining a few strange looks from the table, they got back to the conversation. Bertholdt too looks over, curiousity and confusion on his mind alike. The blonde just waves it off. Seems like he doesn't want to talk about it. Well. Back to food then.  
Reiner is a man of words. He could be described as a talking machine just as he is the god of the football field. He always knows what to say and how to act, mimic and gestic, being able to wrap everyone around his charming finger this way. Sometimes Bertholdt wonders if he actually trains in front of the mirror - it should be illegal to be this confident AND good looking. 

It’s rare to see him stumble over his own words and even rarer that he says something so… out of place and still fitting?  
It just sounds off. 

Well, it’s worth the blush, he guesses. 

“So, you guys want to do something over the weekend?” Once again the question comes from Jean. He is gauging down his own donut now, Sashas greedy finger trying to snatch it out of his hands. Bertholdt wonders if she would go even as far as to grab it out of his mouth, half eaten. Thinking about it, he realises he actually doesn't want to be part of ... this scenario.  
Almost instinctively he looks at his own donut, still resting peacefully on his tray.  
Peacefully and untouched.  
Good.  
Jean definitely is one of those people that are an easy target for her swift fingers, so in result he almost chokes as stuffs the whole damn thing into his mouth at once. Sasha groans, Bertholdt rolls his eyes.  
“Huh? But it’s Monday, weekends already over man.”, Connie says and Jean scoffs at him after taking a while to swallow his food.  
“Are you retarded? Next weekend I mean.” The bald guy just blinks in confusion.  
“Why do you want to-” 

Bertholdt once again blacks out of the conversation and just enjoys his food and the warmth radiating from Reiners side. 

If it were up to him he wouldn’t be sitting here right now - all of the people were people he could consider friends but that is all thanks to Reiner. None of them have anything in common with him, maybe with the exception of Marco and if it wouldn’t be for the outgoing blonde he sure as hell would be sulking alone in the corner somewhere, maybe even together with Annie who just joins them on the table occasionally. She rather eats her meals alone, listening to her music and does god knows what. Sometimes Reiner and Bertholdt would join her, even though it were usually the two guys ending up talking about whatever and Annie ignoring them anyway. 

Still. Bertholdt always feels a bit bad leaving their female friend alone at most times. He also was scared of the image she represents - always screaming lonely looser, even if he knows that Annie was nothing like that.  
Still, Bertholdt is sure that without Reiner on his side, that would be him.  
Alone, antisocial and without friends.  
Nobody searches for him in crowds - it always is Reiner who gets called out, Bertholdt in tow as his second shadow.  
He pushes the thoughts back into his mind, not wanting to lose the good mood of the day.

“So, what do you say?”  
Not realising that the question is aimed at him first, he feels Reiners finger digging into his side. He whines and shoots him a pouty look.  
“Huh?”, he asks, looking up as he realises that everyone is looking at him. Flinching under the attention he ducks, grabbing his donut and taking a bite. “Sorry, kind of spaced out. What was the question?” 

Oh god.  
Hopefully it even was a question.  
Thankfully, they just chuckle and Sasha shoots him a grin.  
“Wanna join us on Sunday? If the weather is nice we can drive down to the beach. If not-”  
“We just chill!” Connie finishes and shoves his untouched veggies over on Sashas tray. It takes a whole, glorious second before the gluttonous girl starts shoving them into her mouth. 

“You ask me if I want to come?”, he asks, repeating the question dumbfounded. Truthfully he gets invited fairly often but most of the time declines anyway. Sometimes because of his father, sometimes because socialising seems like too much at the time. Usually when he meets up with his friends it is because of Reiner who literally drags him there. _You need to get out more often, Bertholdt. You miss out on so much._  
“Huh? Why not? As far as I recall you haven’t been at the beach once with us last summer. What a shame though.”, Sasha sighed and stretched her arms over her belly, rubbing it satisfied. “It’s such a beautiful place. You really miss out on it.”

Ah. There it is.  
The knot in his belly slowly forms again and his hands begin to sweat. He smiles apologetically.  
“Sorry.”, he just says as if it would answer all the open questions they sure as hell have. It isn’t unknown to them that he has a sick father and that he sometimes helps with household stuff - but he is absolutely sure they don’t know the extent of it.  
Nobody does anyway. Not even Reiner knows every little dirty detail, even though he has a pretty good overall picture. 

Why are they even asking? Bertholdt knows that, if he wouldn't be sitting at the table right now, they wouldn't bother to ask him.  
It's not that he isn't liked by them - at least that's what Reiner always tells him - but that's about it. He isn't this outragous smart guy like Armin or hilariously funny guy like Connie that just _needs_ to come along. It is sure that they wouldn't even miss him if he weren't coming. 

“No need to be sorry.”, Marco says and Bertholdt almost forgot he is there. “If you have time, just come along. After all, it's already September. It won’t be this nice for much longer.” 

It is true, to some extent.  
The days are, as slow as it happens, getting shorter and colder. And, as Sasha stated, he hasn’t been on the beach once this summer.  
He recalls all the nice days he has spent with his parents there and, later on, with his father. It was a nice, small beach - well, “Beach.” It's a nice, big lake an hour drive away from their little hometown, Trost. Laying out in the open on a big stretch of green, surrounded by forest as far as your sight can reach it is a beautiful place. It is also well visited during the summer. A breathtaking place to cool off in the heat, the shore almost sandy as if it is an actual beach. The perfect place for camping and campfires too. 

He fidgets with his half eaten donut, suddenly not hungry anymore. Silently he slips it over onto Sashas tray and, before she can even ask, he looks at Reiner and raises his eyebrow in a silent question.  
“Are you coming?”  
“Huh?”, Reiner mirrors his gaze and Bertholdt is aware of the fact that he knows he wouldn’t be considering it if Reiner wasn't coming. What's the point of being there anyway if not for Reiner? Surprisingly the blond just shrugs.  
“Don’t know. Do you want to go?” 

Reiner always asks.  
And Bertholdt never knows the answer.  
Does he? He doesn’t know. There isn’t a particular drive in him that pushes him forward, that screams at him to say yes and just go - but there also isn’t anything in his mind that says he really doesn’t want to. Most of the time he just doesn’t have the time to think further about it anyway. The times where he does have time, the decision is up to Reiner.  
Well, it always is up to Reiner regardless. That's just how it has been since he knew the blonde.  
He shrugs, not feeling well about the decision being pushed onto him. That, and the attention. 

“No need to decide now. Just think about it and tell us over the weekend, huh?” Marco offers and Bertholdt sends him a silent thank you over the table. He nods eagerly and actually puts ona smile - unnerving and anxious, but a smile.  
“Yeah, I will.” 

And, as if he couldn’t thank Marco enough already, the freckled boy picked up the conversation where it left off before. Does he know how uncomfortable the whole thing makes him? Well, maybe it is obvious.  
And before his thoughts can spiral down into an endless circle of "What ifs" and "What abouts" he can feel Reiners hand on his shoulder.  
“You wanna grab some fresh air before the next class starts?”, he asks and Bertholdt nods in return almost a little too quick.  
“Yes, please.” 

-

The rest of the day has been, thankfully, the usual Highschool chaos. After grabbing some air with Reiner before class and avoiding his questioning gaze (which he only dropped as Bertholdt brought up his emberassing question during lunch), he soon finds himself engulfed in mathematics and biology again, concentrating on paying attention over the obnoxious sounds of his classmates. 

When they leave the school building and start their way home, he can feel that the happy mood from this morning has vanished. Maybe it is still there, in the back of his mind but Bertholdt doesn’t have the strength to dig it out again.  
Reiner seems to notice too and, after being a good chunk away from all the other people, he asks: “Be honest. You want to go or not?”

He trots beside the blonde, always careful to not get ahead with the bigger steps he takes. He can feel Reiners curiosity sweep over, hitting him like the front of a truck. Shrugging, he doesn't know the answer to the question.  
“I don’t know. I probably don’t have time anyway.” .  
“I think it would be fun.” Reiner says and maybe he is right. Reiner always knows better after all. “And, as they said, the warm days are almost gone. Don't you love swimming?” 

He smiles at that.  
How long has it been since he last went for a good swim in the lake or elsewhere? He always loved to dive into the water head first, feeling the ice cold sensation washing over him as he swam his rounds. He is a good swimmer too, maybe thanks to his long legs or his slender build and beside track one of his favourite sports.

“Maybe you can make time.”, his friend adds and Bertholdt shrugs.  
“Maybe.” And, after no one says anything for a while, he feels Reiners hand around his shoulder to pull him down into a headlock. He groans as he looks at the blonde's face with his shit eating grin.

Oh.  
That was really close, in hindsight.

“Who knows. Maybe we can check out some hot dudes down there, huh?”  
“W-Reiner!!!” The blush that spreads within his cheeks expands like a wildfire and vigorously he tries to free himself. The loud, vibrating laugh that he is so accustomed to carries to his ears and with wide eyes he tames his mane, looking everywhere except his friend.  
“What? The secrets are on the table man, might as well be open about it.”  
“D-Don’t d- Not here!” 

Looking around he sees that there is no one in ear shot or walking their way.  
Still.  
His embarrassment about it would accompany him the whole way home. Reiner just teases and laughs about it the whole walk and only after they need to part in front of Bertholdts door he tries to collect himself.  
Wiping away a single tear of joy he pats the tall boy's shoulder and Bertholdt flinches - more out of longing than surprise.

“Well, I am off now. Gabi will be here today so I really won’t have time for much tonight.” Bertholdt knows he is referring to their occasional gaming sessions and he nods. “But honestly, think about it. It would be cool to spend one last day at the lake this year. It’s not the same without you.”  
Bertholdt knows he says it because he is Reiners friend but he can’t help the blush spreading on his cheeks at the last sentence. His heart makes a tiny flip as if screaming _“Yes, please! More of this! Praise me and love me!”_

“I will.”, he says and, this time, means it.  
Maybe they are right. Maybe it really will be fun going. What he knows for sure is that he doesn’t want Reiner to go alone and check out “Hot dudes" by himself. The thought alone raises feelings inside him he didn't know he was capable off.  
_Just check me out,_ a silent voice in his head says. _Here look, I am right there! I can be attractive if I want to!_  
“Alright, then.” Reiner says and Bertholdt sees that he pauses for a moment. An unspoken question hangs in the air for a split second, but before the feeling can settle down Reiner waves. “Bye then. See ya tomorrow.”  
“Bye.” 

And that’s it.  
He watches his crush and friend walk away, turning back one last time somewhere to send him a grin. He raises his hand in return and slips inside, door falling into the frame with a gentle bang.  
His home greets him with silence and, after placing his backpack down beside the shoe rack, he walks into the small living room.  
“Hey dad. I am home.”  
No response. He sighs and trots a bit around, looking out for the care taker that's usually there when he is at school.  
And, after some searching, he finds his father sleeping in the bedroom. There is a small written note on the table beside and he picks it up. It’s from the caretaker he was just looking for.

_Fell asleep at 14.50.  
Afternoon pills taken, had lunch at 13.30.  
Had an emergency and needed to head off.  
Tried to call but woulnd't pick up.  
sorry. _

He raises his brows at the tiny note and checks the time. It’s a bit after 3 pm so the caretaker wasn’t gone for long - still, it makes him angry to think that he just left his sick father alone like that, even though it has just been a few minutes.  
What do they even pay him for if he obviously doesn't give a shit? They barely live off the little money his father got from welfare and then that garbage worker isn’t even able to do the simple damn thing they hired him for? Who does he think he is? He already charges an astronomical amount - it is still one of the few companies that are actually cheap enough, charging per hour - and- ugh!  
He feels his anger rise and crunches the little note in his fist. Without waking his old man up he slips out of the room and almost closes the door, leaving it a tad open for noise-confirmation.  
Angrily, he trots into the kitchen and throws the paper away. 

Stupid Caretaker. Stupid, fucking Company. Stupid shitty welfare money. Fucking shit.

Not knowing what to do with his anger he grabs a pan forcefully and slams it - maybe not as gentle as intended - on the stove. Stopping in his movements he checks for any noise from his fathers bedroom, but sighs in relief as he hears nothing.  
Fucking cooking. He hates cooking.  
No, not true. He likes cooking, actually.  
But he hates that he has to do it. Because who else would? His fucking father who couldn’t even stand on two legs at the moment? That piece of shit caretaker not being able to do his job? His damn mother who, for some reason, was sick of this fucking family during a time where it was actually whole and lovely?  
What the fuck did he do in his life to deserve this? 

He sighs.  
It doesn’t matter. No matter how angry he gets, it won’t change a damn thing.  
He isn’t even mad about the fact that the caretaker left or that he has to cook his own damn meals.  
He is angry about the whole situation. His life.  
He thinks about the caretaker again as he searches for the carrots in the fridge, slamming them unhappily on the cutboard he prepared. 

What would he give to just stand up and leave like he did? 

And with that thought he decides, yes. Yes, he will join the people on their stupid little trip to the stupid little lake. He will come along and he will have a fucking great time with Reiner even if the blond wants to check out all the fucking hot dudes that are down there. He will jump into the water and maybe Reiner will swim along with him. Maybe he can pull him down under it and kiss the fuck out of him so all this stupid mess called his life would make sense again.  
He grabs his phone furiously and shoots Jean a message that he’s in. 

And now, the carrots. Aren’t cutting themselves, aren’t they?


End file.
